


From Both Sides Now

by Garbage_Salad



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Angst, Flashbacks, Gen, Hypnotism, PTSD, Post-Episode: s06e19 I Am My Monster, Pre-Episode: s06e20 The Future, Steven Universe Has PTSD - Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Steven Universe Needs Therapy, Suicidal Thoughts, Therapy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-24
Updated: 2020-05-24
Packaged: 2021-03-03 10:46:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 24,844
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24349732
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Garbage_Salad/pseuds/Garbage_Salad
Summary: Steven's therapist helps him look at his problems from a different perspective.
Relationships: Pink Steven Universe & Steven Universe, Rose Quartz & Steven Universe, Steven Universe & Original Character(s)
Comments: 69
Kudos: 130





	1. Needs

**Author's Note:**

> I did my best with the psychology stuff but I my have gotten some things wrong. If you smell any BS just know...I tried.

"Ugghh...I just don't _get_ it! I thought I was doing so much better...and then yesterday, it happened _again!_ " 

Steven sighed, slumping back in the black leather armchair in the small, cozy office.

"You are! You're doing a _lot_ better, Steven."

His therapist, Nicole, sat in the matching chair across from his. She had light skin and short black hair, blunt cut at the chin. She wore a black pantsuit with a cobalt blue top underneath, and black glasses with a couple of inlaid rhinestones and just a hint of a cat-eye. 

"But recovery takes _time_. You have to be patient with yourself."

" _U_ _gghhh._..I know. It's just...so frustrating, you know? I've been coming to see you three times a week for the past four months, I'm taking my meds, and I'm doing everything you're telling me to do! We've talked about all my...’ _issues’..._ the stuff about my family, and my mom, and the Diamonds and...and all the bad stuff that happened to me! But I'm still having these...you know, _freakouts._ I keep getting all worked up over little things and when I do...I-I try to use the coping skills you've been teaching me, and those breathing techniques, but...I _still_ keep lighting up pink, and...and breaking things, and putting up barriers without meaning to...I don't understand, what am I doing wrong?"

"Steven, I understand your frustrations. You've been working really hard on your recovery, and that's great. You're doing so much better than you were when I first started seeing you. It used to happen, what? A few times a day? Now it's just a few times a _week_. That's real progress!"

"I...I know, it’s just, I keep thinking...what if this therapy thing isn't just isn’t enough to deal with my problems? Maybe there's something else I need."

Nicole took a deep breath and was silent for a moment. Then she leaned forward towards Steven, and looked him right in the eye. 

"Steven, I've been thinking a lot about everything we've talked about. All the traumatic experiences you had when you were a kid, everything you've told me about gems, and about yourself, and...I have a theory." 

Steven raised an eyebrow.

"A theory?"

"Look, Steven, I think you’re doing pretty well in therapy. I think it will continue to work for you, and you will continue to get better, but..."

"But what?"

"I do think you're right about one thing. I think there's someone here whose needs _aren't_ being met, and it's seriously hindering your recovery. I want to try something..."

"Wait, what do you mean? Who are you talking about?"

"I think it's time I had a chat...with your other half. Your gem half."

Steven's eyes widened as he quickly straightened up in his seat.

" _What?_ But...but we're the same person, right? I mean, we got separated for a few minutes, but we're back together now. If you're talking to me, that means you're talking to _all_ of me, doesn't it?"

"Not necessarily, no. There are a lot of things you've said in our sessions which suggest to me that the part of your mind that comes from your gem exists primarily in your subconscious." 

"What...what does that mean?"

"I think your gem mind...probably not _all_ of it, but most of it...those thoughts and feelings and memories...they're not entirely accessible to you on a conscious level. At least not very often."

Steven looked confused. Nicole could tell he'd never thought about it that way before. 

"What makes you think that?"

"When you were a kid, and you were first learning how to use your powers, that wasn't easy for you...it took a long time, didn't it?"

"Yeah..."

"Is that true for other gems? Do they emerge from the ground and then have to spend years learning to use their powers?"

"No. They know how to use them right away."

"Have you ever thought about why it was so different for you?"

Steven shrugged.

"I mean I always figured it's just...cus I'm human, right?" 

"But I mean...deeper than that. _Why_ does being human affect how your powers work?"

"I guess...I don't really know? I never thought about it before."

"What I'm saying is...I think the reason might be because your gem mind and human mind weren't fully... _connected_ yet, when you were born. They weren't communicating with each other very well. It took them time to learn how. That's why it took you so long to figure out how to use your powers. And I think that's _also_ why your powers are so strongly tied to your emotions. In the beginning, your gem was more in touch with your feelings than your thoughts. As you got older, and you worked hard on learning to use your powers when _you_ wanted to, your gem and human halves were developing a stronger connection...getting better at talking to each other. That's why now, you can usually use your powers through your conscious thoughts. Your gem half can hear them now."

"So why did it stop listening? Why does it keep acting up when I don't want it to?"

"I think, because of your trauma...that connection may have been disrupted. Now your gem half is getting confused, struggling to know what you want and what you need. He's reacting to your feelings like he did when you were a kid, because that's what comes most naturally to him."

"The way you're talking makes it sound like...are you saying my gem...isn't me? It's some other person living inside of me?"

"Oh, no, of course not! That's not what I'm saying at all. Your gem half is as much a part of 'Steven' as your human half. You're affected by _his_ thoughts and feelings just as much as he is by yours, even if you're not always aware of it. And I think part of why you're struggling so much right now is...because he has needs that are not being met."

"So...how do we find out what it needs?"

"We ask him."

"How?"

"I believe the conscious part of his mind is deeply submerged in your human subconscious. Fortunately, we have a way of getting in touch with a person's subconscious mind."

"You do? What is it?"

"Hypnotherapy. I think I may be able to speak to your gem half through hypnosis. I can’t be certain it will work, or if I’m even right about any of this, but would you be comfortable letting me try?"

"Hypnosis? Um...I don't know...I mean...what do you think is gonna happen?”

“Well, I’m hoping I’ll be able to talk to your gem half, and he’ll be able to talk to me. I must admit I’m experimenting a little here. You have a unique mind, Steven. Many of the therapeutic methods I’ve tried with you have worked... _differently_ than I expected...differently than how I was taught. So I’m afraid I can’t say for sure.”

“And what kind of... _needs_...do you think my gem could have?"

"Steven, your gem half went through all the same traumas that your human half did, and it may have affected him differently. If that's that case, then part of the trouble you've been having controlling your powers may be a result of _his_ unresolved issues. If you want to get better, we have to make sure _all_ of you is getting treatment. Your whole self."

"Well...okay. I guess it can't hurt to try it."

"Alright then."

Nicole then guided Steven through a hypnotic induction. Once he was fully under, she shifted position in her chair, so she was looking directly at Steven, at his eye level. 

"Okay...I am now addressing Steven's gem half. If you can hear me, and you're open to it, I'd like to have a conversation with you. Would you be comfortable...stepping forward and talking with me?"

Steven was quiet for several seconds, but Nicole noticed his posture change. It seemed to become more...formal, somehow. More rigid.

"Hello? Steven?"

"Hello."

Steven's voice had become slow and monotone. Nicole almost thought she heard a slight echoing effect, too.

"To whom am I speaking?"

"I am the one you call...Steven's...gem half."

"And, do you know who I am?"

"You are...Nicole."

"I appreciate your willingness to speak with me today."

Steven said nothing.

"I wanted to give you this opportunity to express your wishes...your feelings."

Again he said nothing.

"Is there anything you...need?"

"I need...to...protect Steven."

"And...who is Steven, to you?"

"We are Steven."

"Both of you, combined? Gem Steven and Human Steven, that's who Steven is to you?"

"Yes...we are Steven."

"And you need to protect yourself...you feel threatened?"

"I protect Steven."

"Is that how you see yourself, your...function? To protect?"

"I protect Steven."

"It seems that, lately, you've been feeling the need to protect Steven more and more often...why is that?"

"Steven is...afraid."

"What are you afraid of?"

"No...the one you call...Steven's...human half...he is afraid."

"Yes, he has been afraid lately, but...is it possible _you've_ been feeling afraid, too?"

Steven stiffened up, his brow almost wrinkling into a frown.

"I protect Steven...I protect."

"I think I understand. You believe it's your job to keep Steven safe, and that means it's not okay for you to be scared."

For the first time, his monotone voice faltered.

"P-Protect." 

"Steven, it's not just _your_ job to protect Steven. The responsibility for your safety lies with _both_ of you, gem and human. And you _both_ deserve to make your voices heard. Steven, it's okay that you feel afraid sometimes...anything you feel is okay. And it's okay to talk about it." 

"But...Steven...is weak."

"Steven _was_ weak, yes. When he was a child. But I think you know that's not true anymore. Steven...Human Steven...he can protect _himself_ now."

Steven said nothing.

"I think you have a lot of emotions about the things you and Human Steven have been through together, as Steven. I think you're afraid, I think you're angry, I think you're...hurting."

Steven didn't speak, but he cocked his head, just a bit.

"I think you must have felt...a lot of fear, a lot of pain...on that day when White Diamond-"

Steven took a loud, sharp breath in, and began to glow pink. His eyes were fixed in a thousand yard stare, looking right through Nicole. Tears began streaming down his face. He started breathing heavily, almost to the point of hyperventilating. 

"Oh hey, hey, Steven...Steven, you're okay...you're okay, Steven. I think you're remembering what happened that day, and I know it's really scary, but it's not happening now. I want you to take a step back. Step out of that memory, watch it like it's a movie. You can still feel your emotions from that day, but you know you're still here, with me, in my office. You know you're safe."

Steven's breathing returned to normal and he was no longer glowing, but he was still crying, although with the same stoic face. 

"Okay...see? You're okay now, you're okay...tell me what you're feeling now."

"I...I'm...lost."

"Lost?"

"Want...to go...home."

"Home...you mean, back inside Steven's body?"

"H-Home..."

His voice broke, just the tiniest bit. He continued,

"Where...did you go? S-Steven...where...where are you?"

"Keep going Steven, it's okay."

"I'm...scared...no...can't be scared...have to be strong...to find Steven...to protect..."

His voice was becoming halting and strained.

"C-Can't...can't see...need...need a body...to...to see...to find Steven..."

"Steven said you formed a gem body that looked like his."

"I...can see now...I see...Steven...with Connie...safe with Connie..."

"Connie makes you feel very safe, doesn't she?"

"Feel very safe...with Connie."

His voice was still stoic and monotone, but Nicole thought she heard him almost whimper.

"Sh-She wants...she doesn't want me...she wants...she's looking for...for..."

"Who? Connie?"

"No...White...W-White..."

He became very tense. He seemed unable to complete the thought. Nicole stepped in with what Steven had told her in previous sessions.

"White Diamond...when you reformed, she was expecting to see Pink Diamond."

"She's...gone."

Nicole recalled what Steven had told her happened next.

"Okay Steven, I know that, right after this, you shouted something. I want you to say whatever you need to say, but I need you to keep your voice at a normal volume. No shouting, okay?"

Steven paused for a moment.

"Okay."

"What happened next?"

"She's... _gone._ "

Nicole noticed that it seemed he was struggling not to shout it.

"Good job, Steven. Thank you."

"Steven...Steven needs me. I need Steven. I am...empty...h-hollow..."

"Human Steven was feeling the same way. He used those same words."

His stoic demeanor was breaking, his voice now contained a hint of grief.

"L-Lonely...so lonely..."

He was no longer crying, but Nicole could tell he wanted to. 

His eyes widened.

"She...she's trying to..."

He paused.

"White Diamond, she tried to stop you from reuniting with Steven. That must have made you very angry."

"Very angry...hate...hate her..."

"Is that why you shouted at her?"

"Shouted...because....yes...angry...hate...she doesn't want me..."

"You were angry because she refused to see you...refused to acknowledge your existence. You felt invalidated because she wanted you to be Pink Diamond, not Steven."

"Yes...I felt...felt...I'm sorry...for feeling..."

"You don't need to apologize for feeling, Steven! Your emotions are valid, they matter just as much as your human half's feelings. You don't have to hide your fear and anger anymore. They don't make you weak."

"Protect..."

"You can still protect Human Steven when he really needs it. And, you can let _him_ protect _you_ sometimes, too."

"Protect...me?"

That was the first thing he had said that sounded like a question.

"Steven, you did a great job of protecting Steven when he was a kid. You had to, I know, because Steven was often in a lot of real danger back then. And that wasn't fair to either of you. But Steven is almost an adult now, and he's not in that kind of danger anymore. You keep trying to protect Steven from anything that makes him feel bad. But life doesn't work that way. You don't have to do that anymore."

"I protect...I protect Steven."

"I know you feel like you're losing your purpose, but you're not. You don't exist _only_ to protect Steven. You and Human Steven exist...to be yourselves. To have experiences, to love, to live your lives together, as Steven. Human Steven can take care of himself now. You deserve to rest."

"To...rest?"

"Yes. You don't have to be always on alert, looking out for potential dangers all the time. You can rest, you can enjoy life. You can use your gem powers only when Human Steven consciously wants to. I know that's not going to be easy for you. I know it's going to take some time to get used to. But I want you to give yourself permission to relax. It's okay for you to rest now, Steven. It's really, truly okay."

"Okay...okay for me...to rest now..."

There was a subtle look of relief on his face.

"That's right. Now...what happened next? I know White Diamond tried to stop you from getting to Steven, but you didn't let her."

"Strong...protect...I protected...protected me..."

"That's right, you protected yourself very well. That was the first time you used those powers, was't it? The ones you've been using to protect Steven a lot lately?"

"Never knew...never saw before...never needed before..."

"I understand. Then what happened?"

"Steven...Human Steven...angry...at me...angry at Gem Steven..."

"What made you think he was angry with you?"

"He said...no...stop...you're hurting them..."

"Oh...I remember now. Steven was concerned because you hurt your family with your powers."

"Angry....doesn't...want me back..."

There was pain in his eyes.

"Steven wasn't mad at you, Steven. He was just worried about your family. He wanted you back very much. He needs you."

"Didn't mean...to hurt."

"I know you didn't. You didn't hurt your family on purpose. You love them. But you were...you were very disoriented, and you were in a lot of pain, and you had never used those powers before. You didn't know what you were doing."

"Didn't know..."

"So...you thought Human Steven didn't want you back. But you kept going to him anyway."

"Needs...needs me. Steven...sick...dying."

"You were afraid Steven would die if he was separated from you for too long?"

"Too long...dying."

"So you kept going."

"Connie...brought Steven...I...I love Connie."

He wasn't exactly smiling _,_ but there was something bright in his eyes when he said Connie's name.

"I know you do. I think she loves you too."

"Loves...me too?"

"Do you think she doesn't?"

"Connie...loves...Human Steven."

"Connie loves _Steven_. All of him. That includes you."

He didn't say anything for a moment, he seemed to be processing something he'd never realized before.

"Connie...loves me too...loves...Gem Steven?"

"Yes. I'm so sorry you never knew that before...now...can you tell me what happened next?"

"Steven was laughing...happy."

"Yes, he was so happy to be with you again."

"I...was happy...I was laughing...and Steven was laughing...and...she was laughing..."

The smallest hint of a smile crept onto his face, and Nicole noticed him begin to speak a little

more like the Steven she knew.

"And then...and then we were back together...I was together again."

"How did you feel?"

"Whole. Complete. Happy...I'm me.. I've always been me..." 

He was beginning to cry again.

"That's right Steven."

"Steven...I love Human Steven...I love Gem Steven...I love...Steven."

"That's wonderful, Steven." 

Nicole smiled warmly.

"I think this is a good place to end. I'm going to bring you out of your hypnotic state now, okay,

Steven?"

"Okay"

***

As Steven began to wake, he looked a little puzzled.

"I thought...I didn't think I'd remember any of that...I didn't think I'd be aware of it, but I was."

"Yes, that’s what I expected. It was still _you_. Just with another part of yourself brought to the forefront."

"Yeah...it felt like...I was just myself, but...different? Like, it wasn't really me talking but...but it kinda _was_ , you know? All that stuff I said, I didn't remember any of it before. But now I do, and it's just...it was me. My gem half....he's just me. I mean, It wasn't the same as the way I usually think, or feel, or talk...it felt a little like...I was dreaming? But I was still me."

"That's right."

"I just didn't realize how much of him...how much of _me_ there really was. I thought...I thought I knew myself...I didn't know there were all these memories and...feelings that I didn't know I even had."

He thought of something Garnet had once said.

"I'm...not two people, and I'm not one person...I'm kind of like...like a fusion..."

Nicole leaned forward, looking directly into Steven's eyes, the way she often did when she was about to say something significant.

"Steven...I think you _are_ a fusion. I think you always have been."

Steven leaned forward to meet her gaze. 

"I...guess I...kind of suspected that? After that day...I started to wonder. I...I mean, it _felt_ like that, like we were fusing, when we...when I came back together. But I wasn't really sure. It felt...kind of _different_ , too."

"You're a different kind of fusion." 

"I guess so...and...for a fusion to be healthy, their relationship has to be healthy. They have to be able to communicate...that's why you wanted to do this, isn't it?"

"That's right."

"Maybe...could we do this again sometime? Talk to my gem? To myself?"

"I was going to suggest it."

"Thanks, Nicole."

"Anytime, Steven."


	2. Young

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nicole has another conversation with Steven's gem half, and discovers some new insights into his issues.

"So, how have you been since we last spoke?"

"It's been...a little better, I guess? It still happens, the glowing thing, but it's a little less often, and I'm not wrecking stuff or swelling up."

"That's great to hear, Steven."

"I think...what we did last week, with the hypnosis...I think maybe it helped? I've just felt, I don't know, calmer? Does that make sense?" 

"I think your gem half is calmer, and you're feeling that. Do you...want to try it again today?"

"Yeah...I think I do."

***

"Gem Steven? Are you there?"

"I'm here."

He sounded a bit less robotic than he had the week before.

"How have you been feeling?"

"Trying...to rest."

"That's great. I'm glad you're trying it. I think it's making a difference for both of you. It does

sound like you're still having some difficulty, though."

"Sometimes...scared...angry...can't relax."

"I understand. You've been protecting Steven for so long, it's what comes naturally to you whenever Steven gets upset. It's like an instinct now. Just keep trying your best. I think it will get

easier with time."

"Trying...my best."

"Good...now, is there anything in particular you'd like to talk about today?" 

Steven didn't respond, but looked almost a bit baffled by the question. Nicole had noticed he seemed to struggle with open-ended questions.

"Let's talk about...the first time you used this new power to protect Steven. The first time you turned pink."

"Scared...angry...hurting."

"Because of the things Jasper was saying and doing? You felt threatened?"

"Yes... threatened."

"Tell me... what was different about that day? Why did you choose to give Steven access to those more _...intense _ powers?"

"Threatened. First time since..."

"Since what, Steven?"

"Since...we were made...young again."

"Young?"

"Child. Child Steven. Weak."

"Steven, do you mean when Spinel hit you with that weapon? What did Steven call it...the rejuvenator?"

"Yes... young, weak"

"I think the connection between you and Human Steven must have been severely damaged. It was set back to how it was when you were a kid, before Steven could use his powers very well...you must have been struggling to communicate with him..."

"Couldn't hear anymore. Couldn't hear Human Steven. His...thoughts. Couldn't feel..."

"You didn't know what he wanted. When he tried to consciously use his powers, that message wasn't getting through to you very well."

"Could hear...only a little. Couldn't feel."

"Could you see and hear and feel through your human senses? Did you know what was going

on around you?"

"Yes...but...didn't understand."

"You can't understand what's going on without knowing what Steven is thinking and feeling?"

"Right...can't understand."

"That must have been very confusing and frightening for you."

"I tried to protect...protect Steven. Couldn't...understand...tried to hear...feel...c-couldn't..."

His expression changed. His eyes were looking down, his brow furrowed, his lips pressed tightly

together.

"Steven, are you alright?"

"Failed...I failed Steven. Couldn't protect...I'm...sorry..."

His eyes began to well up with tears.

"No, no, Steven. You didn't. You  _ didn't _ fail. Something was done to you that you couldn't control...it wasn't your fault. I know you were trying your best."

"Not...my fault?"

"No. You didn't do anything wrong. You have nothing to apologize for." 

He took a few moments, appearing to mull over this new perspective. 

"Steven, I think this might be part of the reason you started protecting Steven with more destructive powers. That day with Jasper, you were trying to compensate for that perceived failure. And after a while, it became an automatic reflex. You started overreacting to smaller and

smaller things."

Steven titled his head slightly.

"The...reason?"

"Yes...part of it...and another part, I think...listen...you and Human Steven both experienced something very traumatic that day with Spinel. You nearly  _ died _ . You were both feeling terrified, angry, confused.. trauma can change the way we think, the way we remember, and the way we

feel."

"Trauma...yes."

"I think something that changed for you was you became uncertain of yourself, of your ability to protect Steven...to protect yourself. When Jasper had you pinned, it was the first time since the rejuvenator that Steven had felt significantly threatened. You began to feel helpless, like you had back then. So you fought back with everything you had. It was more power than Steven had ever used before. And after that, you were so afraid of ever feeling that helpless again, you started to become hyper-vigilant. You would give Steven access to that power almost anytime he felt threatened...even if he didn't want it, even if he wasn't in any real danger. You did this because you were overwhelmed by fear, and by guilt."

"Fear...guilt...yes...overwhelmed."

"And it's okay to feel those things, Steven. You have to process those emotions if you want to get better."

"Okay...to feel..."

"I'm glad we had this talk. These are things we can continue to work on in therapy. I'd like to speak with you during more of our sessions. I want to treat  _ your _ PTSD, just like I do for Human Steven. That's the only way Steven...your combined Steven...can recover. Is that okay?"

"Okay."

"I'm going to bring you out of hypnosis now. Is there anything you'd like to say before I do?"

"Yes."

"I'm listening."

"Thank...you...Nicole..."

Nicole was a bit taken aback. She did not expect to hear something like that from Gem Steven. 

"Oh! Steven...you're...you're very welcome."

***

After waking Steven up, she asked,

"So...how are you feeling? Do you have any thoughts on that experience?"

"It still just feels...so  _ weird _ ...you know? One minute I'm me, and the next, well...I'm still me, but I'm a  _ different _ me. I hear words come out of my mouth and for a moment it feels like a stranger is in my body, but right after whatever I...he...whatever Gem Steven says, I suddenly feel like it was  _ me _ that said it. When he talks about his memories, I don't remember them at first, but then as soon as he's said them...suddenly I  _ do _ remember, I remember just like it happened to me! And then it feels like I've remembered it all along, but I know I didn't. It's like...I can't believe I forgot all of that! But I guess I didn't exactly  _ forget,  _ I just...does this make any sense to you? Is this normal?"

"Well, to be honest Steven, I have no idea. I don't know anything about how a Gem/Human mind works. Or how any Gem mind works, for that matter. Your psyche isn’t the same as a full human’s. There have been many things that have happened in our sessions that have defied my expectations. I'm just trying my best to get to know you, as an individual, so I can figure out how to best help you."

"I always knew my body was different, but before we started doing the hypnosis, I didn't realize my  _ mind _ was different, too."

"Working with you has challenged a lot of my assumptions...for starters, my assumption that there were  _ not _ thousand-year-old sentient rock aliens living on a beach in Delmarva. It's been a bit of a bumpy ride, I'll admit, but I'm always up for a challenge." 

"It must have seemed so strange to you, at first, when I told you about all that. It's always just been normal for me, but I guess most humans wouldn't believe me if I told them about gem stuff. You must have thought I was...you know.."

"Delusional? I certainly considered that possibility, but you didn't show any other signs of a delusional disorder. I mean, I consider myself a skeptic, but I'm still pretty open-minded...and I certainly couldn't deny it was true after I saw you turn pink and crack my coffee mug."

Steven blushed.

"Oh...yeah...I'm sorry about that..."

"Oh, don't worry about it. I didn't even like that mug. I've just always had a hard time throwing

things away."

"Haha...I know a couple of other people like that."


	3. Mom

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steven brings up a topic he wants Nicole to discuss with his gem half: His mom.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Suicidal thoughts

"There's something I want to ask him...my gem, I mean."

"What is it?"

"I wanna find out if he knows anything...about my mom."

"What makes you think he might? Didn't he say she's gone?"

"Yeah but...like... _how_ does he know that? _I_ didn't know it myself, before I heard it from him." 

"So you think he has access to information about her that you don't?"

"Yeah. Maybe..."

"On that tape you showed me, your mom said she was going to ‘become half of you’. What does that mean to you?"

"I don't know. I've been asking myself that question for a long time. Before I ever met my...you know, the other me? I thought maybe my mom was still...in there. Like, watching my life."

"And how did that make you feel?"

"I guess kinda good, at first? After I saw the tape, I felt like...like maybe she was always there, watching over me, loving me...just, I don't know. I felt...safe. Less lonely. It was almost like a wish come true. When I was a kid, like really young, people were always telling me how she 'gave up her physical form' to have me. But nobody ever explained what that actually _meant..._ like, where she had gone _._ I used to think.. maybe...if I wished hard enough...maybe she would come back? I wanted to meet her so badly. I wanted her to...to hold me, read to me, sing to me, tuck me in at night...my dad and the gems are great, I love them so much, and I don't know what I would do without them, but..."

"I can tell you're feeling guilty, Steven. But missing your mom doesn't mean you love your dad and the gems any less."

"But...wait...is that what I was feeling? I was...missing her? Even though I never even met her?"

"That's right. And that's _valid,_ Steven. Now...what else did you feel, about her being part of you?"

"Well...when I started learning more about gems and how they work...after I met Lapis...I started to wonder if she was like, stuck in there? Like Lapis was stuck in that mirror? Was she, like, scared, miserable, feeling trapped, thinking she made a terrible mistake by having me? Hating me because I was her prison?"

"That must have felt awful. Did you ever talk about it with anybody? Your dad or the gems?"

"No. I didn't want to upset them. And I didn't like to think about it..."

"We've certainly identified that as an issue for you..."

"You mean what you said about me shoving stuff down? Yeah, I know, and I'm trying to work on it. Like, a few weeks ago I finally told the gems how I always thought they resented me for my mom being gone. They said they didn't. I'm not sure I believe them but...at least I did it, you know? I told them, even though it was really hard to talk about."

"I'm proud of you, Steven! So...what else did you think, about you and your mom?"

"Well, at some point, I started to think about how Lapis could talk to me, through the mirror. And I was like...did that mean...I actually _was_ her? Like, my whole personality was just her, talking through my body? I mean, I didn't _feel_ like I was her, or have her memories, but...I didn't know how it all worked, you know? Maybe somehow, I was her and I just couldn't remember being her. And that scared me a lot. The idea that I wasn't me, that I wasn't...real...a real person...I think I shoved those thoughts down _pretty_ far..."

"You being your mom, isn't that what White Diamond said?"

"Yeah...she made it sound like Pink...my mom...was just, like, hiding. Hiding from all her mistakes, hiding from...herself. Like she was wearing me as a disguise. That she put herself in a human body...and then she didn't remember being herself, because...she didn't wanna remember. Like maybe she was like me, always shoving stuff down...only she had shoved _herself_ down _._..all her memories, and thoughts, and feelings until...until all that was left was....me. And that's all I was...her blank slate. Just a disguise, just a fake person she was pretending to be...White said that I was really just Pink, and I was lying to everyone, including myself."

"That must have felt terrible, hearing White say everything you'd been thinking..."

"It all came back to me, all at once...everything I had shoved down, about being scared I was really her. It was so overwhelming...I froze. I could barely move, I couldn't even think enough to use my powers...I know back when I first told you all of this, you said that was like, what? A panic response, fight or flight? Right?"

"That's right."

"But you said it's just because I was scared White was gonna hurt me...which, I mean, I was, obviously...but I think I was even _more_ scared...that she might be right? I'd been seeing Pink’s memories...and having all these weird dreams about her. When White said all that stuff, it was all the same stuff I was afraid of. And for a minute...I was like, convinced it must be true. It was...unbearable. When I saw my gem start to reform...I don't know. I was absolutely _terrified_ it was gonna be her."

"I'm sure you were. I can't imagine anything more invalidating."

"Yeah, it was, but...there was something else, too. Something really weird..."

"And what's that?"

"I think I...I almost _wanted_ it to be her, just a little.”

"Why do you think you felt that way?"

"I guess...because I wanted to see her...talk to her...like I did when I was a kid. I guess those feelings never really went away...and I guess there was another reason too..."

"What was that?"

"I wanted it to be her, because if it was....I don't know, I guess that meant...I mean, I was still _there,_ conscious in my human body, even without my gem. So I thought maybe I was just some leftover piece, I guess. And for a second, I kind of _wanted_ that to be all I was...I don't know why.'

"Try to think about that, focus on that memory, those feelings...why didn't you want to be real?"

Steven took a few moments before speaking.

I guess it was...because...I...just wanted it _over_ with. If she came back, she could go back to doing all the stuff I was doing _for_ her. If I wasn't real, then...then I could just, you know...I could finally rest...I could finally be _done._ Done being Steven. Being Steven had gotten so... _hard..._ so _painful..._ I _._..I was _so_ tired...I just needed a break...and I mean, I was already dying, so..."

Nicole wrinkled her brow in concern.

"Steven...did you _want_ to die?"

"I...m-maybe. Just a little. I dunno. "

"Have you had any more thoughts like that since then?"

Steven looked down, remaining silent.

"Steven, if you have, you need to tell me. So I can help you."

"Well...back before I uh...just before I...transformed? Into a...you know..."

"Into a monster?"

Steven sighed.

"Yeah...I guess for a couple of days...things were starting to get really bad. Connie didn't wanna marry me...my body started acting weird, and then I went to the hospital and I found out about the whole 'trauma' thing...and then I fought with my dad and crashed the van...I was just so _miserable_. I felt like I was bad and I didn't have a future. I wasn't like, seriously considering it, you know? Hurting myself. But then after the thing with Jasper and White, well...at first I was trying to act like things were normal. I hoped if I did they might just become normal."

"And if they didn't, what was your plan then?"

"I...think you know..."

"I see..."

"I mean...I'm not sure I really would have done it. But I _was_ thinking about it, like for real. I was convinced that I had messed up so bad, I wasn't worth anything anymore. I thought everyone would be better off without me. I mean...I had become a _shatterer!_ That just didn't fit...me. it's not what 'Steven' would do. I felt like I wasn't me anymore. I guess I thought...I deserved it. I deserved...to die. I just couldn't be Steven anymore, and I was tired of trying."

"You didn't mention any of this during your intake."

"I didn't know how. I was ashamed...I just couldn't talk about it..."

"I understand...and how do you feel now?" 

Steven perked up.

"A lot better! The antidepressant is really helping, and the therapy, and I never have those thoughts anymore! I'm sorry I didn't tell you before..." 

"That's great to hear, Steven...I think you're safe, but just to be sure I want to spend the rest of today talking about those thoughts you had, if that's okay. I think we should put off the hypnosis until our next appointment."

"Yeah...okay."


	4. Lies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steven's gem half makes a startling claim about his human half. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Suicidal thoughts

At the next appointment, as soon as Nicole had finished the hypnotic induction, Steven spoke.

"Nicole..."

"Steven... did you wake up?"

"No....it's me."

"Gem Steven?"

"Yes."

"It seems you've gotten ahead of me this time!"

"Wanted...to talk."

"Do you have something in particular to say?"

"Yes."

"Well, go ahead then. I'm listening."

"Steven...Human Steven...not safe..."

"Not safe? How do you mean?"

"Bad...thoughts...bad thoughts..."

"What kind of bad thoughts?"

"He...lied...to you...about...bad thoughts...dying thoughts..."

Nicole raised her eyebrows.

"You mean... when he told me he wasn't having suicidal thoughts anymore...he was lying?"

"Lying...yes...bad thoughts."

"That's very troubling to hear...Steven...why are you telling me this?"

"I protect Steven."

"So...those bad thoughts, that's all coming from Human Steven? Not you?"

"No...I want... o live...to protect."

"Steven...thank you so much for telling me this. You did the right thing."

"I protect Steven."

"Yes you do. And you're very good at it."

"Nicole...you can...help Steven?"

"Yes. Don't worry. I'm going to talk to him about this when he gets back, and I'll do whatever I can to help him. To help both of you."

"Steven...Human Steven...coming back now?"

"I know you're concerned about him. But, he's safe right now, and I don't want to cut your time short. You deserve a chance to speak, and you deserve to get treatment."

Steven seemed to hesitate for a moment.

"Okay. We...can talk."

"Why don't we talk about how  _ you  _ feel when Steven has these thoughts?"

"Bad thoughts...scared...sad...want to protect."

"You want to live, and you want human Steven to live."

"I want...Steven...to live."

"Right, the two of you together."

"Live...together...yes."

"What about before, shortly before you transformed? Steven was having those thoughts then too...and I think they were a little more serious."

Steven became noticeably distressed.

"Scared...scared scared...protect..."

"I understand...I'm here Steven"

"Scared...I...protected...I tried to protect Steven."

"Steven told me he was glowing pink that whole time, from when he ran away from Homeworld until he transformed. Was that you, trying to protect Steven from himself...from human Steven's suicidal thoughts?"

"Trying...to protect Steven...yes."

"That must have been a very stressful time for you."

"Stressful...yes...needed help...Connie...asked Connie for help."

"Oh! You're the one who sent her that strange message, aren't you? On her phone?"

"Yes....I...sent...a message...to Connie....for help....'Help Steven'."

"That was very clever of you! And it seems to have worked, she came right over to help."

"Connie helped."

"You did a good job of protecting Steven from those thoughts."

"Yes...but...couldn't...I couldn't protect...Steven from... monster."

"What was that experience like for you?"

"My fault..."

"Steven, no. It wasn't your fault."

"I...made it happen. I was...overwhelmed...Steven...Human Steven's thoughts...and my thoughts...bad...very bad...too much..."

"That's understandable Steven. You were both in crisis. It must have been very confusing for both of you. The extreme amount of stress and anxiety you were experiencing was probably disrupting the connecting between your human and gem minds, and possibly affecting how your powers worked too."

"Powers...not working...yes...Steven...I couldn't...hear Human Steven...no thoughts...only feelings...he felt...too much..."

"I bet you did, too."

Steven's voice was beginning to falter, and tears were forming in his eyes.

"I felt...I felt...everything..."

"What happened then? How did the monster happen?"

Steven was silent for a moment, then spoke.

"I...think...I...panicked."

"What were you  _ trying _ to do?"

"I don't...know. Don't know...trying to...help...protect...stop... top bad thoughts...bad feelings...too much...too much..."

“And it...it all just exploded, didn't it? You were confused, panicked, you didn't know what to do. You wanted to help, you wanted to feel better...and you just reached your limit. You lost your grip on all those emotions and thoughts you were trying to hold onto...you lost control of your powers...and it all just came out. It came out and it took the form of the last word you heard Human Steven think... _ monster _ . Is that right?"

"Yes...right."

"I'm so sorry you went through that Steven. I know you were trying your very best. You always do..."

"Thank you."

"Steven, I'm going to let you go now, let you rest."

"Rest?"

"Yes, this conversation must have been hard for you to have, I think you must be exhausted. But, be honest, do you feel like you're going to be okay if I bring Human Steven back now?"

"Yes...okay...exhausted...rest."

"That's right."

"Nicole..."

"What is it Steven?"

"Please...help Steven. Help Human Steven...his bad thoughts..."

"I will Steven. Don't worry. You're both going to be okay."

"Be...okay"

***

"Steven?"

"Huh?"

"How are you feeling?"

"Uh... what do you mean? Are you gonna start now?"

"You...don't remember this time..."

"What?"

"Steven, your gem and I have already had our conversation. We talked for several minutes."

" _ What _ ? But I don't...why don't I remember it?"

"I'm not sure...maybe he didn't want you to."

"Why wouldn't he want me to??? And...and how did he even do that, did... did you know he could do that?"

"Like I said, Steven. The psychology of a gem/human mind, it's still uncharted territory."

"I...I don't get it, what happened? What did you guys talk about?"

"Steven...your gem half...he's been very concerned about you lately."

"Concerned?"

"He told me...Steven, he told me you haven't been...completely honest with me."

Steven squirmed in his seat, looking uncomfortable.

"Uh...what...do you..."

"He said you weren't telling the truth when you told me you haven't had any more thoughts of harming yourself."

Steven suddenly looked like a deer in the headlights.

"Uh...um...it...it's nothing! It was nothing, I don't know what he...it-it wasn't a big deal! I didn't really mean it, I mean I wouldn't have..."

"Steven, I understand this is hard for you to admit. But I  _ need  _ you to be completely honest with me about these thoughts, so I can give you the kind of treatment you really need."

"But...I...doesn't this mean I have to go to the hospital?"

"Not necessarily, Steven. I just...we need to have a real, honest talk about this. We can decide together if a hospital stay would benefit you. But I can't  _ make  _ you go, unless I determine you to be in immediate danger. So...can you tell me the truth now? The whole truth?"

Steven sighed, and hunched over, dropping his gaze.

"I...yeah, I guess so..."

"So, what's been going on?"

"It was like... a few days before our last appointment, I guess. I don't remember exactly...but...I was just having a bad day. Just, there was some stressful stuff that happened...and my gem was reacting a lot...and I guess...there was some...that...that PTSD thing you told me about...um, triggers? I just kept being reminded of all this bad stuff that happened...uh, my...trauma...I guess...and...I dunno, I just started having those, uh, thoughts, you know, dark thoughts? About, how...I'm bad, and nobody needs me...and...maybe I'd just be better off...dead? But I wasn't really gonna do anything."

"Are you sure? You didn't seriously consider it at all?" 

"M-Maybe just a little... for a few minutes, a couple of times but...but I don't think I would have! It was just...uh...I...I'm sorry! I'm sorry."

"Steven...thoughts like that are a  _ symptom.  _ It's not something to feel bad about. You don't need to be sorry. You need to try having  _ compassion _ for yourself."

"I'm...not sure I can."

"Well, it seems there is a part of you that does."

"I guess so...I just...I can't believe my gem  _ narced  _ on me like that!" 

"He cares about you Steven, he was worried... and Steven, remember, he's  _ you _ . He's a part of you that wants very much to live. He told me he's the one who sent Connie that phone message, on the day you transformed. He knew Connie would help him...help both of you." 

"He... _ he _ sent that message? He can do that?"

"Apparently."

"It's just...just like what happened with Pearl! Her gem, it sent her a text, it was trying to help her find a way to tell me the truth about my mom."

"Interesting...maybe your mind works more like a gem mind than we thought?"

"I dunno...when I went inside her gem, there were like, all these...layers? Each one had a different version of her in it. It was like, first there was one who was in charge of organizing all

the stuff she keeps in her gem, and she said she was...I think she said 'surface'? But she didn't know why I was there, so she wasn't exactly like the real...I mean, the Pearl I know, on the outside. And she said there were others, that were somewhere else...she said they were 'put away'."

"Put away... maybe something like the gem version of a subconscious mind?"

"Does that mean I have two? A human one and a gem one?"

"I don't know, what do you think?"

"I...I mean, I don't know if all gem minds work like that, or just pearls....I don't know, maybe I'll ask the gems sometime." 

"That's a good idea!"

She paused for a moment.

"Steven, it's important we take the time to talk about the thoughts you've been having before the end of your appointment. I know you're scared and embarrassed...but it's really, really important that you tell me  _ everything.  _ I need to know the whole truth so I can help you...so you can get better. If you can't do it for yourself, can you at least do it for Gem Steven? I know you love him just as much as he loves you."

"Yeah...I do....okay. I can do it. I'll tell you everything."


	5. Memories

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steven wants to ask his gem half to give him access to the memories of his last hypnosis session.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Brief mention of suicidal thoughts

"How are you doing Steven?" 

"Better...really, I mean it this time. I haven't had any more of those thoughts since we talked on the phone the other day."

"Do you think your new prescription is helping?"

"I think so. I'm not sure."

"That's okay, it can take time to build up in your system."

"Hey, can we do the hypnosis today? I wanna ask him something."

"As long as we leave time at the end to focus on avoiding any more suicidal thoughts, we can do that. What do you want to ask?"

"I wanna ask if he'll let me remember what you guys talked about yesterday. I feel like I should know."

"I can ask him if you want Steven, but he may have a good reason to keep those memories to himself. His thoughts at that time were very different from yours. You were feeling suicidal, and he wanted very much to keep you both alive. It may cause you to experience a lot of cognitive dissonance."

"Cognitive...what?"

"Cognitive dissonance is when you hold two opposing viewpoints, like thoughts or opinions, at the same time. It can be a distressing experience."

"Well...I think I'll be okay. I really want to do this. And if I do get that cognitive thing, I can live with that."

"Alright Steven, I'll ask him. But if he says no, I'm not going to push him."

"Okay...I guess that's fair."

***

"Hello Nicole."

"Hello Steven. How are you doing today?"

"I know...what Human Steven wants."

"You do?"

"He wants...memories... "

"That's right...do you always know what we're talking about before and after I talk with you?"

"Sort of...I am aware...of what happens.. I see...I hear...can't always understand...easier...with you..."

"The hypnosis makes it easier for you to understand what's going on around you?"

"Yes...easier."

"Steven, I've noticed that speech seems to be coming more naturally to you lately."

"Getting easier...I'm not used to it, but...learning...I'm learning."

"Good for you, I appreciate the effort you're putting in to communicating with me...I suspect these sessions are strengthening your mental connection with Steven's human mind. That could be very healthy and beneficial for both of you, going forward."

"Healthy...and...beneficial...good."

"Steven, would you be willing to share your memories of our last talk with your human half? He really wants to remember what happened."

"Protect...I'm protecting Steven."

"You think those memories might be confusing or distressing to him?"

"Yes."

"I appreciate your concern, and so does Human Steven. I can tell you care about each other a lot. Steven has told me he wants to take the risk. He really wants to know what happened, and he's willing to accept the consequences. And if he does get upset, I'm right here with him to help him get through it."

Steven was silent for several seconds, thinking over the decision.

"Okay."

"Thank you Steven. Is there anything else you'd like to talk about today?"

"No...less memories...better."

"Because he's getting the memories from last time, you don't want to overload him with too many from today?"

"Yes."

"Alright Steven, I'm going to wake up Human Steven now. When he wakes up, am I correct in assuming he'll remember our conversation today, as well as last time?"

"That is...correct"

"Okay Steven. Thank you."

"You're welcome, Nicole"

***

"Steven?"

Steven inhaled sharply, and his eyes opened wide. He put his head in his hands, and groaned.

"Steven are you okay?"

"Aagghh...uugghh...I...uh...wait...gimme a minute..."

He looked up from his hands.

"Yeah...yeah I'm okay...it just...all those memories from last time...everything came rushing

back all at once. I just got a little overwhelmed. But I'm okay now." 

"How does it feel, having all those memories? Are you glad you got them?"

"Uh...it's a little more...intense...than I was expecting... but...well...it's very illuminating."

"I think this is what your gem was worried about."

"Yeah...it was...I remember him thinking that now...well, it's more like I remember  _ me  _ thinking it...but...I'm okay. I can handle it."

"How do you feel about what you're remembering now?" 

"It's weird...thinking about that day. I...I wanted to die...but I also wanted to save myself from dying...I was so scared...for me...scared of what I might do. I wanted to stop myself. It's really

bizarre." 

"I can imagine."

"Hah...I'm not sure you can. I'm not sure  _ anyone _ can. I'm...really not like anyone else, am I?"

"No, you're not. But, no two people are alike. Not even gems, from what you've told me."

"But they're a lot  _ more  _ alike than me."

"Does that bother you?"

"Kinda...I mean...yeah. I guess it always has. But that was one of those things I never let myself think about."

"Well, maybe we should talk about it now."

"Mmm...I guess. It's just...I'm human, but I'm more than human, you know? There's nobody else I know like that."

"What about your friend Lars? Isn't he more than human, too?"

"Huh...I guess so...but I mean, he's like that because of  _ me. _ It's just another reminder of how weird I am."

"Steven, raising the dead isn't  _ weird,  _ it's amazing!"

"I guess...but it's just, his thing, his powers and stuff, it's all from me. It's just more of  _ me _ and how different  _ I _ am"

"Steven, the moment Lars came back to life, that life, those powers, they became his. Completely. It's not fair to _ him  _ to say it's yours. It's his own unique experience, but it's one you may find some common ground with."

"Huh...I never thought of that before. You're right. I guess he's not that different from me."

"Maybe you should talk to him, about how you feel, and about how he feels, about being something more than human?"

"Yeah...I guess... I'll try that. I'm gonna be going to see him in space next week."

"Space... I'm still getting used to that. It's a little unusual for me, having you as my client. None

of my other clients are quite so...sci-fi, you know?"

Steven was suddenly glowing pink.

"Sci-fi? What's  _ that _ supposed to mean?" 

"Steven-"

Steven noticed his glowing hands.

"Uh...oh... uugghh...why is this happening  _ now _ ?"

"I didn't mean to upset you Steven. I'm sorry." 

"I...uh...what's he doing? Why is gem me getting upset over nothing?"

"Well for starters, he seems to often respond to  _ your  _ feelings. And...it's  _ not  _ nothing. Your

feelings are valid, whatever they may be."

"But...why do _ I  _ keep getting upset over little things?"

"Irritability is another symptom of your illness, Steven. And right now, that seems to be what he's responding to."

"Well, how do I get him to stop?"

"I think your illness, your shared trauma, disrupts the connection between the two of you. He might not be able to hear or feel what you want right now."

"So I can't do anything but wait? Ugh, why do I have to be sick  _ and  _ a freak?"

"You're not a freak, Steven."

"Look at me! I'm a huge pink neon sign that says FREAK in giant block letters!"

"Is that why it bothered you what I said sci-fi?"

"Maybe...I guess. None of that stuff is 'sci-fi' to me. It's real, and it can be scary...it just... made me feel even  _ less _ human."

"I'm  _ so  _ sorry I hurt your feeling Steven. I should have considered my words more carefully. I never wanted to make you feel less human. I don't think you're a freak...and I didn't mean to belittle how real these things have been in your life."

"Thanks Nicole. I'm sorry I flipped out on you like that. I know you were just making a joke."

"Your lifes not a joke, and I never meant to treat it like one. But, I accept your apology Steven. And, I'm proud of you."

"Huh? Why?"

"Because you  _ communicated _ your feelings. You have had issues in the past with pushing your feelings out of sight so you could avoid feeling them, or to spare the feelings of others. And that was damaging to you. But you didn't do that this time."

"Yeah, I guess I didn't. Maybe I really am getting better at this stuff.”

"You certainly are...is there anything else you want to say about how you feel, being a gem/human hybrid?

"Well, yeah. I guess there's some more stuff...like, growing up, I always tried to ignore how bad it felt, not being like anybody else. It was easy then, because other than having a gem, I was pretty close to human. It got harder as I got older. I mean, I wanted so much to get powers, because I wanted to be like the other gems. I guess I felt like I didn't fit in with them. But then I did get powers, and it was great, but...I started to notice that the more like a gem I felt, the less like a human I felt. Now I feel like...well I know I'm technically both, but these days I kinda feel like I'm neither. I'm just Steven."

"Well, you're not alone in  _ that,  _ are you?"

"What do you...oh...you mean me. Gem me..."

"Yes...you're made up of a human and a gem, but both of them are you. You're both Steven."

"Yeah...I wish I could talk to him, like directly."

"Steven, you can. You're the same person, just different parts. And he's here even now, listening to us. He doesn't always understand, but sometimes he does. And his thoughts and feelings are always influencing you, whether you know it or not...and I think if you take a look at your hands, you'll see that you influence him too, even when he can't hear your thoughts."

Steven looked at his hands, which were no longer glowing.

"Oh...wait, what happened?"

"You calmed down. Your gem noticed that you were no longer feeling threatened, and he acted accordingly."

"Huh..."

"Steven, I want you to try something at home, before our next appointment."

"Uhh, more worksheets?"

"Haha, no...I want you to try...consciously being aware of what your gem is thinking and feeling."

"How do I do that? He can't talk to me when I'm awake." 

"I think he's always talking to you, Steven. You just have to learn how to listen...how to speak

his language."

"Sooo...what do I do?"

"Well, if you're ever feeling something and you can't explain why, try to focus on that feeling... see if you can identify where it's coming from. And if you don't think it's coming from you...well, try to... respond? With your thoughts, feelings...behaviors. For example, If you're scared, and you don't know what's scaring you, try to think of whatever is going on around you that might be scaring  _ him _ . And then do something that you think might comfort him." 

"I...guess I could try that."

"And listen for any...thoughts, that don't seem to match the way you usually think. And see if you can respond. I don't know if this will work, but I think it's worth a shot."

"Yeah...I...I'll try it."


	6. Seen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steven's two halves recount their experiences trying to communicate with each other. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: brief mention of panic attack/anxiety attack

"So how did your experiment go?"

"I  _ think  _ it might be working, kind of? Like, a few days ago I got startled by something, and I started glowing. And I thought...if I get worked up about it, he's just gonna get more scared, right? He's just responding to how I feel. So I tried...focusing my thoughts, I guess? on how, everything was okay. I was safe, I only got startled. There wasn't any threat. I tried feeling calm. And then I thought about how much I loved him, loved...us. I thought about when we merged back together...fused, I guess...how good that felt, the love and joy and relief, and I tried to just... feel that, as much as I could, so maybe he'd feel it too...and I think he did, because I stopped glowing. And then...something pretty incredible happened!"

"What?"

"My  _ gem _ started glowing _.  _ Not my body this time, just my gem. Like it does when I use my powers, only I wasn't using them. It did that for a few seconds. I think he was trying to tell me something. I felt his gratitude. Like he was saying thank you. And I felt how much he loved me back."

"That's great, Steven. If this keeps working, it might strengthen your mental connection, in the long run. That could help you with your powers, your feelings, thoughts...maybe in other ways I can't even imagine. Has it happened any other times?"

"Well there was this one time I was reading in my room and something I read made me think of... _ triggered _ me, I guess. I couldn't stop thinking about the cluster, when Peridot was drilling into it, and it was so scared, and in pain, and I could feel _ all  _ of it. I remembered that it was panicking, and then  _ I _ started panicking, and I started shaking, and my heart was starting to beat really fast, and I was breathing really hard, and sweating..."

"You were having a panic attack."

"And I turned pink, like always. So first I did some of the stuff you taught me to do, to calm down. The breathing and the meditation and stuff. And then I was feeling a little better, but still glowing, and I started thinking to him, about...how much I appreciated that he cared and was trying to protect me, but the glowing was not what I needed. I wasn't in physical danger, I was just triggered. I told him, well I used thoughts and feelings to tell him what I needed...I just needed him to love me and support me. And I just felt...suddenly I felt this incredible  _ love, _ it came out of nowhere. I felt like you do when you get a hug from someone, and I started to feel safe....and okay....and I wasn't glowing anymore...but there were tears in my eyes, and I was smiling, and I noticed my arms were around me like...I was hugging myself...but I didn't know

how they got like that."

"Steven, this is truly amazing. I'm eager to see where it goes from here."

"You know, so am I. How do I know it really worked though? Maybe it was just a coincidence."

"Well...we can find out."

"Alright, let's do it."

***

"Hello, Gem Steven."

"Hello...Human...Nicole."

"Steven, was that a  _ joke?" _

"Joke...yes."

Nicole laughed.

"I didn't realize you had a sense of humor!"

"Humor...yes."

"Steven, your other self wanted me to ask you something."

"I'm...listening."

"The other day he tried to communicate with you directly. He thought it seemed to work, but he wanted to hear it from you. Were you aware of when that happened?"

"Yes...Human Steven...talking to me. Listening."

"How did that make you feel?"

She thought she almost saw him smile.

"Good...good. He...saw me."

"I'm glad you feel seen! I think it could be really good for you both, if you can start communicating better."

“Good...to feel seen.”

“And it sounds like you’re doing things for Human Steven, too. When he was upset, you made him feel better.”

“Better...I love him.”

“I know. It’s a great thing, really. Some people never learn to love themselves.”

“I...love me. Love Steven.”

“Both of you...you and your human self, you both have been very hard on yourselves. I think the more you can share the love you have for each other, the more you’ll love yourselves, too.”

“Love...ourselves?”

“You love your human half and he loves you. You love Steven, the person you are together...your fusion. But...do you love  _ you?  _ Does Gem Steven love Gem Steven?”

“I...don’t know.”

“That’s my point. You both have trouble loving your individual selves. You blame yourselves for your real and perceived failures. But your love for  _ each other _ is pretty apparent. And I think if you communicate that love for each other often, you will both be able to love yourselves more.”

“Love ourselves...more. Yes. Good.”


	7. Change

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nicole becomes suspicious when Steven comes into an appointment acting strangely. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Brief mention of suicidal thoughts

Nicole noticed Steven seemed a bit sullen that day. "How have you been Steven? Is everything alright?"

"Yeah. Fine"

"Is there anything you wanna talk about before we start hypnosis?"

"Uh...yeah, actually...I wanna talk about...um..." He seemed a bit uncertain. "Uh...I wanna talk about...the gems? And...uh...my dad...my powers...my mom...and...the Diamonds..."

"Steven, it...almost sounds like you're just...listing all of your issues you can think of..."

"No! I just have a lot to talk about! Like uh, my trauma? And my suicidal thoughts?"

"Have you been having those thoughts again?"

"Well...no. But I wanna talk about when I had them before."

Nicole narrowed her eyes, suspiciously.

"Well...it seems like you have a lot to talk about today...so much so that we probably won't have time to talk with your gem..."

"Okay, that's fine."

"Steven..."

"What?"

"Is there something going on here you're not telling me?"

"Uh, what? Haha...no! No, it's nothing!"

" _What's_ nothing?"

Steven blushed.

"Uh...I-I dunno..."

"Steven, _what's going on_?"

Steven looked away.

" _Steven..."_

"Ugh, okay okay! I'll tell you....it's just...I don't...really wanna do the hypnosis today."

"Why not?"

"Cus I just _don't_."

"And why couldn't you just tell me that directly?"

Steven shrugged.

"Steven, is there something you think your gem half is going to tell me that you don't want him to?"

"Maybe..."

Nicole cocked her head to the side.

"It's just...it's none of his _business_!"

"Steven, he's _you_. Everything that's your business is his business, too."

"Ugh, will you just _stop saying that already?_ This is exactly why I-"

He stopped short.

"Why you what Steven?"

"Why I...don't wanna see you anymore..."

"Steven, that's okay. If for some reason seeing me isn't working for you anymore, you can be reassigned to another therapist in the practice."

"No....that's not what I mean...I've just been thinking about..."

"About?"

"About...quitting therapy altogether."

"I see...and it sounds like you have reason to believe your gem half doesn't feel that way."

"I _know_ he doesn't."

"How?"

"Because, every time I think about quitting, it's like, there's this strong feeling I get, like...quitting would be a bad idea...it doesn't feel like it's coming from me...human me. One time I even thought I heard him think the word 'No'!"

"That's pretty incredible communication! But...that's not the point right now...Steven, why do you want to quit therapy?"

"Because...I...I don't _know_! I don't know why I feel like this, but every time I have an appointment coming up, I'm starting to dread going. My plan was...I wasn't even gonna tell you, I was just gonna stop coming. Therapy was supposed to make me feel better, but lately I've been starting to feel _worse_! I just feel...I feel _weird_ all the time. I feel like I'm not myself anymore. I can't explain it, but sometimes it's like...like I'm not even sure I really _want_ to get better."

"Steven...believe it or not, these feelings are _normal."_

"They...they are?"

"Yes. A lot of people in recovery find that...change, even positive change, can be really uncomfortable. They find that feeling _good_ , being healthy...it feels very alie- uh, I mean...it feels very _foreign_ to them. You've been feeling bad for so long, you've gotten used to it. It feels normal. So, now feeling good just feels...wrong."

"Wow...I didn't know any of that. I think that _is_ what I've been feeling."

"It can even feel like a loss of identity. When you've been depressed and anxious for as long as you have, it starts to feel like that's _who_ you are."

"Huh...yeah, I guess it does. Um...you know, the way you talk about some of this stuff, it kind of sounds like...maybe you know some of it from...personal experience? I mean...I don't mean to be intrusive...agh, I shouldn't have said that, I'm sorry. You don't have to answer that."

"That's okay Steven. That question doesn't bother me. And...as your therapist I'm not _really_ supposed to talk too much about my personal life. Professional boundaries, you know? But...well...I guess something I _can_ tell you is...that the reason I wanted to become a therapist was because I wanted to help people, the same way I was once helped." 

"You know...I don't know why, but...that kind of makes me feel a little better?"

"It feels really validating when you know other people have been through some of the same things you have. It makes us feel less...alone"

"Yeah. I mean, I know there's like, tons of people with mental illnesses all over the world...and well...probably lots of _other_ worlds, too. But I guess it's different when it's someone you actually know..."

"Steven, you probably _already_ know people who can relate to your experience. They've just never told you."

"Why wouldn't they...well, I guess _I_ haven't told many people either...why is that? Why are there so many people all going through the same thing, but not talking about it because they all worry they'll be judged?"

"There's unfortunately a lot of stigma around mental illness. Our society teaches us it's not okay to be mentally ill or to get treatment. So people don't talk about it. It's something of a self-propagating myth. And for that reason, a lot of people who would really benefit from therapy and medication never get it. They're too afraid to ask."

"I guess that's kind of how I was feeling for a while before I transformed. I think I knew on some level that there was something wrong with me, but I kept...well, it was one of those things I kept pushing down and not letting myself think about it. Then I was at the hospital, and Connie's mom told me all the weird stuff my gem was doing was cus I had trauma...and it was a lot harder to ignore after that, but I kept trying...because, I don't know...I'm not sure what I thought would happen if I admitted it to myself, or anybody else, but I was sure it would be really bad. It didn't occur to me I was _sick_ , but I definitely thought I was...broken, from what I went through. I thought it made me...bad, I guess. I felt like it had...ruined me. I guess I thought it was my fault, like I was weak or a loser cus I couldn't handle it...I guess that's why it bothered me so much when Jasper said all that stuff to me. I thought she was _right..._ "

"That's another self-propagating myth. People look around them and what they _think_ they're seeing is that everyone else is handling tough things better than they are. So they think _they're_ supposed to be able to, too. And when they can't, they think they're a failure, because they can't handle what everyone else can. Or they think they're just not trying hard enough and they feel ashamed, they hide how much they're struggling...but the reality is, they're not actually seeing everyone struggling less than them, they're seeing everyone else hiding their struggles, just like they are. It's like a big trick we're all playing on ourselves."

"I guess....I mean, it really sucked, but I guess it was kind of a good thing, me turning into a monster. I definitely couldn't hide from the truth anymore after that. And then my family could tell I was sick, and they got me help. But maybe I never would have gotten that help, if I didn't turn into a monster...maybe I would have...well...you know...I guess I just got lucky, that I ended up coming here."

"Does that mean you're going to keep coming back?"

"Huh?"

"When you came in here today you were ready to quit."

"Oh...I almost forgot about that! Yeah...I _am_ gonna keep coming back. Thanks for talking me out of quitting."

"Well, you're welcome, but...I think you more or less talked _yourself_ out of quitting. Because some part of you didn't really want to."

"You mean my gem half?"

"Well, yes, but also...I know your gem mind lives in your human subconscious, mostly...but that human subconscious is a part of you, too. And I think it...I think _you_ subconsciously knew quitting therapy was a mistake. You knew you still needed help."

"Did gem me know that? Can he hear my subconscious thoughts? Was he...trying to tell me what I couldn't tell myself?"

"I don't know. I still don't know enough about how a human/gem mind works to say. But we can always ask him." 

"Okay."

***

"Steven?"

"Yes...I'm here"

"Do you know what we've been talking about today?"

"A little...couldn't understand...everything...because...Steven was upset."

"It's harder for you to hear his thoughts when he's upset?"

"Yes."

"Well, today we were talking about human Steven wanting to quit therapy. You'll be happy to know he changed his mind."

"Good...good...changed his mind."

"He was wondering if you can...if you're aware of his own subconscious thoughts. If you knew he didn't _really_ want to quit, and you were trying to tell him that..."

"Yes...I knew...I saw...hidden thoughts...his...silent thoughts..."

"The ones he can't hear."

"Yes."

"So you _do_ have access to his subconscious mind...that might explain a lot of things."

"Steven...Human Steven has...many hidden thoughts...secret thoughts..."

"Yes...he has developed a bad habit of repressing difficult thoughts and feelings. It must be crowded in there."

"Crowded...yes"

"Probably another factor in your trouble communicating with him. It must be very confusing for you."

"Confusing...yes"

"Well, don't worry. Human Steven and I are working on processing his subconscious thoughts and feelings...it should help clear out some of that...psychic debris."

"No...too much...he will get...over...overwhelmed."

"Oh don't worry, we're not doing it all at once. Just a little at a time."

"Not...all at once...better...okay."

"You care a lot about him."

"Well...like you always say...he is me."

"The way you speak is changing quite a bit."

"Every time I talk to you...getting better."

"You certainly are. And you're learning to communicate better with Human Steven, too. That's really exciting."

"Exciting...that's...really exciting."

***

As Steven came too, he immediately blushed, and looked anxious.

"Steven, what's wrong?"

"It's just...all that stuff about how I shove down my feelings...uh, _repress_ them, I guess...it's just...I feel guilty for burdening him so much, and...It's embarrassing...I knew I did it, but when he was talking about it I could actually _see it..._ how much there really is. How much I really do it..."

"You don't have to be embarrassed about that, Steven. It's not your fault."

"Yeah...I know, I guess...it's like you said before, it just really _feels_ like I should be able to handle my issues in the right way...the healthy way"

"Steven, it wasn't for no reason that you developed that way. From what you've told me, you were a kid dealing with a lot of really heavy things, but you weren't learning any healthy coping skills. Your caregivers, they love you, but they didn't model healthy communication of their feelings. They had so many unresolved issues of their own, and they didn't handle them well. I think you learned, subconsciously...that they couldn't always support you in the way you needed, that there were certain things you could never say to them..."

"I...guess that's true..."

"And of course, being a very loving and sensitive young man, you wanted to help them, care for them...and you started _parenting_ them _._ "

"I did?"

"Yes. And they _let_ you. There were a lot of ways in which you never truly got to be a kid, even before you started going on missions. The gems would leave you alone for long periods of time, and ignore all your attempts to get their attention. You must have felt so lonely, like you weren't worth their time..."

Steven grimaced, as if she'd hit a sore spot.

"And your dad, he loved you and he spent a lot of time with you, but he didn't really know how to be a parent. He failed to take responsibility for your health, your safety, your education, or your social development...and Steven, it's _okay_ to be angry with them for that, it doesn't mean you don't love them, or that you don't appreciate the _good_ things they did for you."

"But...they didn't understand! The gems didn't know anything about human kids, and my dad's parents messed him up and he was just trying not to be like them...they were all doing their best..."

"That _may_ be true...but you were still damaged by it. Your whole sense of self developed around helping people deal with their issues. Your self-worth became inexorably tied to being _needed_ , to the point of feeling like you had no value when you started to feel that you weren't anymore. It was so bad that when everything was better, and no one around you was struggling anymore, or they had learned how to deal with their problems themselves, you started having an identity crisis. You even started imagining or inventing problems where there were none, just so you'd have something to fix. And that just made things worse."

"But...the gems, my dad...they weren't _trying_ to hurt me! They would have never done that...how can I be _mad_ at them? They were really good parents most of the time!"

"Steven...being angry with someone...it doesn't always have to mean that you _blame_ them. Personally _, I_ believe there's more your parents could have done for you. I think they could have tried a little harder. But even if you disagree with that, or you just think it's not okay to be angry with them...that doesn't change the fact that you _are_ angry. I know you are. You've been holding onto a _lot_ of subconscious anger for a very long time. And that's hurting you, it's hurting Gem Steven, and it's hurting the connection between you. And you won't be able to recover if you can't admit that."

Steven looked miserable. His voice became soft.

"I...I just..."

"What is it Steven?"

He opened his mouth as if he were about to say something else, but instead, he buried his face in his hands and began to sob. Nicole said nothing as Steven continued to cry for several minutes. Finally he looked up, and wiped his face with the sleeve of his jacket. He wrapped his arms around himself in a way that made it obvious how vulnerable he was feeling. He looked away from Nicole, sniffling.

"Well...you were right...happy now?"

"No, Steven, I'm not happy. I'm very sad you're having to go through all of this. This has nothing to do with me being right or wrong, this is about _you_ getting better. Really."

"I know..."

Steven turned his head back towards Nicole, but kept his eyes down.

"Why is this all so _hard?_ Why does getting better always have to make me feel so much _worse?"_

"That's the human condition. That's the unfortunate trade off for being alive, feeling, loving...sometimes we have to suffer, too. No one knows why, at least not anyone _I've_ ever met."

"Well...so I guess...I'm angry. What do I do with that?"

"Well, I think we should talk about it."

"What's there to talk about? They made some mistakes, I got messed up, I'm kinda mad about it."

"Can you be more specific? What are you mad about?"

"You know...all the stuff you said. Like how they left me alone all the time. I guess I felt...when they would all go in the temple, and I couldn't get in, and I was just in my house alone for hours...I guess I felt...shut out? Lonely..."

"Abandoned?"

"...Yeah"

"And what else?"

"They would...get hysterical sometimes. Or fight with each other in front of me. And it was always about stuff I didn't know yet, stuff I probably _shouldn't_ have found out when I did. And I got scared, when they were upset. So I tried to fix everything...the problem was I'm really _good_ at that. They got used to it, I got used to it...that just became our...pattern."

"Did you feel like you could share your problems with them?"

"A lot of the time, I did. But there was a lot of stuff I never talked about too...I guess anything I thought might set them off. I got pretty good at hiding from stuff I didn't wanna think about, didn't wanna feel...I think I might know why I started doing that, you know..."

"Really?"

"I think I've _always_ been able to hear and feel my gem half. But a lot of the time, his thoughts and feelings were confusing to me, they didn't make sense. I didn't know it was him. I didn't know where those things were coming from. That felt _really_ uncomfortable, so I started blocking out thoughts like that. And eventually that just grew into blocking out _any_ thoughts that made me uncomfortable...ever..."

"How do you feel about that?"

"I dunno. It's not his fault, me not knowing it was him. But it messed me up. Maybe I'm a little mad at him too...well, mad at me, I guess."

"Is there anything else you're mad at yourself for?"

"Only every bad thing that I was even remotely responsible for."

"Like what?"

"Like...Lars. He got _killed_ cus of me. And I know I brought him back, but it's like with Jasper...it doesn't change that fact that it still happened. They both still _died_ , because of me. Sometimes it almost...sometimes I wish I didn't even have healing powers! I keep getting away with hurting people because I can heal them. It's not fair that I don't have to live with the consequences."

"That makes you feel guilty?"

"Yeah. I guess I feel like I've been just pretending to be a good person for a long time. And everyone believed it. They expected it. So I kept pretending. That's why I feel like a fraud. Once and a while I even wished someone would, I dunno...catch me in the act? Call me out for being a phony. Cause if everyone found out, I could finally stop pretending. I could let my guard down...I could just be myself, even if it meant everyone hated me." 

"I can understand that..."

“I...I want to _really_ be a good person again. I want to be _Steven_ again.”

“I don’t think you ever stopped being either. But it’s good, that you want to be. Much better than the alternative.”

“Yeah. I guess so.”

“What do you think would have to change, for you to feel like yourself again?”

“I...I don’t know. I’m not sure what changed in the first place.”

“Well, it didn’t happen all at once. You went through a series of traumatic experiences, and they affected you...your brain, your body, and your gem...a little at a time.”

“So how do I change back?”

“You can’t change back. Nobody can. No one can go back to being who they were before, that’s in the past. But you can be someone else in the future, someone you like more than who you are now. Someone happier and more functional. You can create a _new_ Steven. A better one.”

“So...how long do I have to keep coming here, before I start to feel different?”

“You already _are_ feeling different. That’s why you wanted to quit therapy, remember? Change doesn’t always feel good, at first. But you’ve already started to change. I can’t say when it will start to feel right. But it will, if you keep trying. Think you can do that?”

Steven sighed.

“I...yeah. I guess...I can keep trying.”


	8. Healing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nicole attempts to get Steven to open up about a sensitive topic.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Suicidal thoughts

"Steven...there's something I've been thinking about."

"What is it?"

"I think it's time to talk about what it was like for you, when you were a monster."

Steven shifted his posture. He looked nervous.

"I...I talked about that before."

"In broad strokes. But we haven't really processed it completely. I know you said you don't remember that much..."

"I don't! Just...I have a general idea of what happened? But that's all. No details."

"I think there's more there than you're seeing. I don't think you've really looked at it that closely...I think maybe you're scared to look."

"I'm not scared! There's _really_ just not that much there. I mean, I was a monster, I had monster thoughts. I was like an animal. Why would I be able to remember it?"

"Why _wouldn't_ you? You were still yourself."

Steven began to glow pink.

"No I wasn't! I was a _monster!"_

He suddenly looked at his hands, noticing his condition.

"Uugghh...sorry!"

"That's okay, we can keep talking about this, just try and stay calm."

"I don't _wanna_ keep talking about this!"

"Why not?"

"I dunno. Why are _you_ so obsessed with it?"

"Steven, you're deflecting. Why don't you want to talk about it?"

"Cus I just _don't."_

"Steven."

Steven frowned, pressing his lips tightly together. He folded his arms and turned away from Nicole.

"Steven, if we don't-"

Steven turned back to face Nicole, with his eyes squeezed shut and his hands firmly over his ears.

"AAAGGGHHHH....STOP IT!!!!"

A small shockwave rippled through the room. The bookcase against the wall cracked from bottom to top. The bulb on the desk lamp to Steven's right shattered.

Steven's eyes shot open, he clapped both hands over his mouth, and suddenly got up and dashed out of the room, swinging the door wide open.

"Steven, wait!"

Nicole got up to run after him. She was stopped at the doorway by a pink wall of tessellating hexagons.

"Steven!"

No reply. 

"Steven, please let me come help you!"

The wall slowly began to dissipate. 

Nicole entered the empty waiting room and spotted Steven hunkered down in the far corner, curled up in a ball, his head down, still glowing. She approached him slowly and kneeled down. She spoke in a low, soothing tone.

"Steven."

Steven was weeping softly.

"Steven, please look at me."

Steven hesitantly looked up at her, and his eyes widened. He gasped."

"Your glasses..."

Nicole hadn't even noticed the crack in the left lens.

"Oh...uh...don't worry about that Steven. I've got great vision insurance.

"I...I could have _killed_ you..."

Nicole was at a loss for words. Steven uncurled his body into a more natural sitting position.

"I'll make it up to you."

He rubbed his right pointer finger on his tear-stained cheek, and began to reach toward her face.

"Oh, no no, Steven, I can get them fixed. You don't have to-"

But instead of touching her glasses, Steven poked his finger on her forehead right between the eyes. Nicole felt a slight tingling headache spread from the touch, And suddenly, everything looked fuzzy...

"Steven, what did you..."

She took off her glasses to see that her vision was sharper than it ever had been, even with glasses.

"Oh...Steven...you didn't have to...you shouldn't have done that..."

"Why not?"

"I'm not supposed to accept gifts from clients. It's a boundary issue."

"Oh...I'm sorry...I...I don't know how to change you back."

Nicole smiled.

"Well, I guess I'll just have to let this one go then...thank you, Steven."

She reached out her hand.

"Steven, will you please come back into my office with me?"

Steven looked reluctant.

"I shouldn't. It's not safe for you."

"I'm willing to accept the risk, Steven"

_"Why?"_

"Steven, you've helped _so_ many people heal. You deserve to heal, too."

Steven reached his hand out, hesitated for a moment, then finally took Nicole's. He stood up and walked then back toward her office. Nicole glanced towards the reception window.

"It's a good thing Betty's on her lunch. Not sure how that would have gone over..."

They sat back down across from each other. Steven was still pink. Nicole had never seen him look so defeated.

"What if that had been your _skull?"_

"It wasn't though. Let's just try to move on."

"I'm sorry about the room. I'll pay for it."

"No, Steven that's okay, you don't have to."

"My dad's a millionaire. I can afford it."

"So can we. We have insurance. This won't even be the first time."

"Really?"

"It's a long, and confidential story...suffice it to say that some people don't need any gem powers to do damage like this when they're upset."

Steven said nothing, just kept looking around that room at the damage he had caused.

"Are we gonna go back to what we were talking about?"

"We don't have to, Steven."

"No...I...this is gonna keep happening as long as I have all this stuff weighing me down...I _have_ to get better...so I don't keep hurting people."

"Okay...well...why don't you tell me why you got as upset as you did?"

Steven inhaled and exhaled slowly. The glowing went away.

"Because...I remember _everything._ "

"Everything?"

"At least I'm pretty sure I do? I think I could see it all, in Gem Steven's memory."

"You mean in your subconscious?"

"Yeah...it's not really like I _can't_ remember it. It feels like it's right there in front of me, if I want it I just have to reach for it...but I never have."

"Why not?"

"Because I can feel...just an _inkling_ of how awful it was. I'm pretty sure...it was _unbearable._ I think I had some pretty dark thoughts that I'm not sure I can live with."

"I understand. Do you think you would be able to look at it just a little at a time? That would be much easier to process."

"I don't know. I think if I reach for it, it's all gonna come back at once." 

"Maybe your gem half can help."

"Can we ask him?" 

"Sure."

***

"Nicole...I'm sorry"

"For what, Steven?"

"I hurt you."

"You didn't hurt me! My glasses broke, that's all. And I know you didn't mean to"

"But...my power..."

"You were just trying to protect Steven. You could tell that he was feeling threatened. And that's because I was probably pushing him harder than I should have. This was _not_ your fault, okay?"

Steven seemed to ponder this for a moment.

"Okay."

"Steven, are you aware of what Steven and I were talking about before you got here?"

"I'm...always here."

"Oh...right...poor choice of words. But did you know what was going on?"

"Couldn't understand."

"Because Steven got upset?"

"Right."

"Well, we're thinking it's the right time for Steven to know more about what happened when you

were a monster."

"No. Too much." 

"I agree. We want to know if there's a way you can help break up that event into easier to manage pieces." 

"Pieces?"

"There's a lot to unpack, but it doesn't have to happen all at once. Human Steven doesn't know how to remember some of it without remembering all of it. But we thought maybe you might."

Steven was silent for a few moments.

"Maybe...could try."

"You seem uncertain."

"Not sure...it would work."

"Hmmm...I'm not sure that's a risk we can take. Maybe there's something else we can try."

"What?"

"Maybe Steven will be able to handle all those memories if you're there to support him."

"Support him...how?

"I can give you a hypnotic suggestion that will make it easier for you to reach out to Steven while he processes those memories. He will be able to feel you, hear you more than usual...you can be there to 'hold his hand' in your mind."

"Okay...try...want to...I want to help."

"I know you do...okay, Steven, listen very closely to my voice. Everything I say is going to become reality for you now. When I wake up Human Steven, you will find that it's easy to reach out to Steven's conscious mind. He will become aware of any thoughts or feelings you want him to. Your love and support will keep him from getting too overwhelmed...you will keep a firm handle on your powers, even if you're feeling threatened. Do you understand?"

"I understand."

"Okay, then...let's do this."

***

"Okay Steven, are you ready to begin?"

"I guess so."

"Let's make sure. Can you feel him there?"

"Kind of...I'm not sure"

"Can you try...asking him to make his presence known?"

Steven was silent for a moment, then suddenly seemed a bit startled.

"Whoa...oh my gosh...that was...something."

"What did you feel?"

"It wasn't like anything I've ever felt before. I know we're always one person, but for a second...it really _felt_ like that, y'know? Like I was both of us at the same time. I was just this one person...who was both of us. It was...incredible."

"Sounds like how you've described fusion."

"Kinda, but when I fuse with other people...I mean, you _do_ feel like one person, mostly, but on some level, you know you're still two, or more. But this was totally... _complete._ I was one person, I was me. Steven. A human and a gem."

"So...are you ready? Can you look at those memories now?"

"Okay...I'm gonna try."

Steven closed his eyes and began to breathe slowly. 

After a few moments Nicole heard Steven's breathing pick up speed. His eyes were squeezed tightly shut, and his body was tense.

"Steven"

"Mmmm...ahh...no...no..."

He put his hands on his head

"No...oh...it's so much..."

"Is he there with you Steven, is your gem helping you?"

Steven was silent for a moment, then said,

"We're both here."

"Which one of you said that?"

"Me. Steven. It's both of us right now."

"You're existing as one in the conscious mind?"

"Mmmm I think so..."

"Are you able to handle what you're seeing now?"

"Yes...it's hard but...I'm okay."

His breathing normalized, and his body relaxed. He lowered his hands and opened his eyes.

"Is it still both of you?"

"Uh...a little. Not like before. He mostly had to go back..."

"Do you need to take some time before we-."

"No. I'm ready to talk now."

"Alrighty then...shoot"

"I wanted to kill my family."

Nicole was a bit stunned.

"Oh...uh...diving right in there, are we?"

"I have to fix this so I'm not a danger to people!"

"That's not the only reason we're doing this. You don't want to move too fast."

"But I...I just can't _stand_ this anymore!"

"Being dangerous?"

"If I can't be safe to be around, what's my life gonna be? I might as well just..."

"Steven?"

"I...I don't wanna go on living, if it's always gonna be like _this."_

"It's _not_ always gonna be like this."

"How do you know that? You can't know that!"

"Because you're already improving. And I believe you really want to continue improving."

“I’m just...not sure I’m ever going to improve _enough_ . Enough to ever be able to let my guard down. I want to be able to just _live._ Without having to worry all the time.”

“You’re gonna get there, Steven.”

Steven sighed, looking defeated.

“Sure...maybe.”

“If you don’t think it’s possible, then why are you here?”

“I don’t know...I guess I don’t think it’s... _impossible._ ”

“Then you still have reason to hope.”

“I guess...what do I do with that?”

“You keep taking your meds as prescribed, keep using your coping skills...and keep coming and talking to me.”

Steven pondered this for a moment. He seemed dubious, but eventually took a deep breath, and looked up.

“Okay...let’s talk.”

"Alright then, let's pick up where we left off...why did you want to kill your family?"

"I don't know...but it doesn't really matter...it's pretty bad, right?"

"You don't remember why?"

"No."

"Not even a little bit?"

"I wasn't even sure who they _were_ half the time!"

"You must have been very confused."

"'Confused' would have been an improvement. I didn't know who I was, or what was going on...and well, stuff kept coming back to me but then I would lose it again..."

"You may have been dissociating."

"What?"

"Dissociation is something our minds sometimes do to cope with trauma. You begin to feel disconnected from reality. You may feel a separation from your thoughts, feelings, memories, or even your own identity. It’s common in PTSD."

"Oh...I thought it was just, I dunno, monster-brain."

"There's no way to know for sure which it was. 'monster-brain’, or mental illness, or both."

"I'm still getting used to that...thinking of myself as 'mentally ill'. It took me a while after I started seeing you to even accept it was true."

"You didn't really believe that you were?"

"Connie's mom said that all the bad stuff that I went through had changed how my brain worked. I guess I was hoping that, if something was wrong with my brain, maybe my healing powers would fix it. I, mean, it healed all my broken bones, I just thought, maybe it just takes a little longer to heal a broken brain?"

"Well, the way I understand it, your healing powers only heal physical injuries, and that's not what you have. If you had hit your head, if you had a concussion or a traumatic brain injury, then I think your healing powers might have worked."

"So, if my brains not broken, then what's wrong with it?"

"Your diagnoses have more to do with...electrical activity, neurotransmitter levels, memory engrams...it's not so much a problem with the physical structure of your brain. Our brains are kind of like computers, and this is a software issue, not a hardware issue."

"So it's sort of like...corruption. Garnet described it as 'a tear in the fabric of the mind'. I think that's why my healing spit didn't really work on Centi."

"Hmmm...corruption...do you think that's what happened to you? When you transformed?"

"I've thought about that a lot. I don't really know...I mean, I've talked to some of the uncorrupted gems, about, you know, what it felt like, how they thought, and it did sound _kind_ of similar to what happened to me...but not exactly the same. And I don't have any scars like most of them do...and when I changed back, it was after I started crying, and all the other Diamonds were there, so maybe that's what healed me? But...when I started crying, it was because I was starting to feel like myself again. My family was all there, and I felt really, you know, loved, and safe, and I remembered I was human...so it might have been _that_ that changed me back...or both. I dunno, I think I changed because of how I was feeling. I mean, it took three Diamonds to corrupt all those gems...I think it sort of messed up their 'programming'...but I don't know if it's possible for just one diamond to corrupt themselves by accident...just because they're having a mental breakdown...I think it might be more like when I got really old because I felt like I was getting too old for the stuff I liked, or when I turned into a baby because I thought I looked too young."

"So, you turned into a monster because you _felt_ like one."

"I was acting like a total lunatic! And I _knew_ I was, but I just...couldn't _stop_ ! When I was training with Jasper, I was totally out of control. I usually feel weird about being a diamond, but for those few days, I was just... _reveling_ in it. I was pink that whole time, because I _wanted_ to be. It felt good, having so much power, and I'd been feeling so bad lately. It was a relief. I'm not usually a violent person, but I was having _fun,_ hurting Jasper, talking all my feelings out on her...all my anger. Especially the anger I had been avoiding because I thought it was wrong...like at the gems, and my dad...and I thought that was okay because I knew she could take it, she _wanted_ it! But the truth is...I was _using_ her...I was using her to make me feel better, just like Lapis did. And I was wrong in the end, she _couldn't_ take it...I let myself forget how much more powerful a diamond really is. And I...shattered her...I...I _killed_ her."

Steven began to glow.

"Oh...oh no. I guess I just can't _ever_ talk about this, can I?"

"Steven you _have_ to be able to talk about this if you want to get better. It's okay, you can be like this for a few minutes, to finish saying what you need to say."

"But what if I...my powers..."

"Just...try to stay calm. Do some deep breathing. I think it's gonna be okay."

Steven hesitated for a moment, closely scrutinizing his pink hands.

 _"Well..._ okay. So I had...I had shattered Jasper. And even though I healed her...it didn't change what I did. I mean, if that hadn't worked, if I couldn't bring her back...she'd just be gone forever, because of me! Because I got carried away and used my powers irresponsibly. And...I didn't know how to make sense of that. I always thought I was a good person, but...I guess that's when I started to feel like a monster. But, you know, I shoved it down. And I guess that's the first time like I felt like I deserved to die...like I _wanted_ to die, just a little. And I didn't know I was sick, back then...I mean, being sick isn't an excuse for what I did, but I just had no idea why I was acting like such a maniac. I didn't know it was because of all my trauma and anger finally catching up with me. I just thought I must be... _bad_...like I was changing into something else, something...I don't know... _evil_. Dangerous. Like the Diamonds used to be. I wondered if it was just a diamond thing, like it was inevitable for me to turn into, like, a villain or something."

"You must be feeling a little calmer now. You stopped glowing."

"Uh...oh! I did. But, I'm still talking about this hard stuff?"

"I guess if you can push through it without getting _too_ upset, your gem will figure out that you're okay. Why don't you keep going?"

"Um, okay...well...so then I went to Homeworld because I knew the diamonds had found a way to change and be good. I thought maybe they could fix me. But I didn't really open up to them about everything that had happened, because I...I guess I still don't completely trust them? But I guess that's why they didn't understand what I was asking for, I didn't really communicate it that well. And then when I went back home, I was just pink from then on. Because my gem half was trying to protect me from killing myself. I remember that now. I mean, I'm not sure how that was supposed to stop me. He was just panicking and he didn't know what else to do. I'm actually really glad I sent Connie that message. I mean...I'm grateful that _he_ did. It's still confusing, separating out these memories! They both just feel like me, I mean, I know they _are_ both me, but sometimes I forget, like...which me did what?"

"Oh, that must be so confusing!"

"Yeah...I think _he_ got confused, too, back then. I started to feel like I was turning into her, my mom. Pink Diamond. They way she was before she changed, back when she threw tantrums and hurt her pearl. I guess he didn't know what to do with that, because that's when I started to get her eyes and hair and got as tall as her. And that's when I decided...I guess I felt like I only had two choices. I had to make everything go back to normal, and if I couldn't...well, I didn't think I could go on living like that. So I acted like I was fine, told everyone I was fine, tried to be helpful, like how everyone used to see me. But that didn't work. They all saw right through me, and...and I keep trying to deny it, or downplay the bad stuff I did, because if they saw how bad I'd gotten then I'd _have_ to...to..."

He took a deep breath in, and sighed.

But finally I just...gave up. I told them everything, I told them how awful I was...how awful I felt...and then I felt like...like it was just _over_ . My life. I wasn't sweet little Steven anymore. I thought I never could be Steven again. I thought they all must hate me, and that hurt more than _anything_ , and I thought I deserved to die because...because I was a monster...and then...I became one."

"And why do you think your gem reacted that way?"

"I know he didn't mean to. I remember that. He got really confused, he didn't know what I wanted or needed. He got overwhelmed by my thoughts and feelings, just as much as I did. Turning into a monster wasn't a choice he made. I don't know why it happened. He doesn't know either."

"Perhaps we should consider...we know his _conscious_ mind exists in the same place as your _subconscious_ mind. But he may have a subconscious mind of his own, somewhere else. Deeper inside your gem than either of you can see...did you ever ask the gems how gem minds work?"

"Yeah, actually, I did. They said some gem types have layered minds, like pearls do. But all the gem types are different. There are a lot of different kinds of mental structures they can have."

"Well, you're a diamond..."

"Yeah, but, I'm a _pink_ diamond, specifically. I'm the _only_ pink diamond. There are only four diamonds that even exist, and we're not all the same. Like, most gems of the same kind are mostly alike, they look the same and have the same voice, and the same powers...there is only a little bit of variation between them. But we're all different, diamonds. We don't sound the same, or look the same, or have the same powers, and we're not all the same size...our minds are or probably all different too. There might not be _any_ other gems with a mind like mine, even if I wasn't part human." 

"Well, the more I talk with you and with your gem half, the more of a clear picture we get...you know, we seem to have gotten a little off topic. That's fine, but we do need to get back to talking about your transformation."

"Yeah...okay."

"So, you were having some... _dark_ thoughts, about your family, and how you wanted to..."

"Kill them."

"Yes...do you have any thoughts on why you felt that way?"

"I...I guess maybe I...I don't know. I wasn't myself."

"That's true...but you also _were_ yourself. That monster wasn't the person I'm seeing in front of me right now, but it's still you. It came from your thoughts and feelings...do you think it might have had something to do with that repressed anger we talked about?"

Steven didn't answer.

"Steven?"

"Well..."

Suddenly tears were forming in his eyes. His voice became quiet and shaky.

"But if I do, isn't that just...what does that _make_ me?"

"It makes you...not that different from anyone else."

"Really?"

“A creature like the one you turned into would have violent impulses, and no inhibitions at all. But, _you_ were still there, too. And the truth is, _most_ people would probably do something distasteful in such a state. I believe we all carry _some_ amount of anger and resentment towards the people we’re close to. No one has ever been in a situation exactly like yours before, but I think almost anyone in your place would have had similar thoughts. I know _I_ would have.”

“But it’s just...so unlike me! It’s not who I am...who I thought I was.”

“Who do you think you’re supposed to be?”

“I’m Steven Universe! I’m... _nice._ I care about people...I help people with their problems. That’s how I used to be. That’s how everyone still sees me. At least they did, until...”

“Do you like being seen that way?”

“I always did, I guess. People liked me.”

“But did you find it satisfying, to help others? Apart from how it made others feel about you?”

“Well, yeah. Mostly”

“Mostly?”

“Sometimes I just felt like...the maid. Cleaning up after the emotional messes they made. The ones my mom left. I was just trying to hold everything together. I hated when they would fight.”

“I’ve noticed how much you dislike conflict.”

“Yeah. I guess I do. And I hated seeing them feel bad. I was glad when I could make them feel better...proud, I guess. But...the thing is, I...I...”

He started to get choked up. Small tears formed in the corners of his eyes.

“I always _noticed_ when they needed help! I could see it, clearly, when they were struggling. But this time _I’m_ the one who was struggling...and nobody _noticed!_ At least, not until it got really bad. Till it was almost too late...”

Now the tears were streaming down his face.

“After everything I did for them, there was nobody paying attention. Nobody was trying to make sure _I_ was okay. I helped them get their lives together, while mine was falling apart. They were all happy and fulfilled and knew what to do with themselves, because of _me._ I don’t mean to sound petty. I’m really glad they’re all doing better...but I guess I got kinda mad, how it seemed like everyone was moving on without me, after I helped them get there. It just...didn’t seem _fair.”_

“You’re right, Steven. That wasn’t fair.”

Steven went quiet for a moment, still crying.

“I don’t...is it okay if we don’t talk about this anymore?”

“Of course. We can pick it up next time. Is there something else you’d rather discuss?”

“Can we just...talk to my gem for awhile?”

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah.”

“Well...okay then. Ready?”


	9. Remnant

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gem Steven makes a shocking revelation.

"Nicole...I have something to...tell you"

"What is it Steven?"

"You...were right."

"About what?"

"About me...Steven...inside of me...my...gem"

"I'm not sure I follow..."

"The rest...the rest of me. I looked inside. I found the rest of me."

"The...rest of you?"

"Hidden...secret thoughts. Silent thoughts."

"Are you talking about a subconscious mind?"

"Yes...subconscious mind."

"And you...found one?"

"Yes. Found."

"How?"

"Went...exploring."

"Exploring? Inside your gem? You can do that?"

"Apparently."

"Well, that's fascinating. I'm learning so much about a gem's mind...I have actually been thinking about taking on other gem clients!"

"There is more."

"More?"

"I found more...inside. There is someone...someone else here."

"Someone _else?"_

"She is...hidden."

" _She?_ Oh, Steven, you don't mean-"

"My...mother."

Nicole’s jaw dropped.

"But...I thought she was gone! Didn't you say that?"

"I believed...she was gone...couldn't see her. Hidden."

Nicole was at a loss for words for a moment. She took a beat to regain her composure, then asked,

"Uhh…well...how do you...feel about that?"

"Not sure."

“Understandable.”

"You will...speak with her?"

 _"What?_ Is that even possible?"

"I think...I can do it. I can...let her speak."

"Do you _want_ to do that?"

"Yes."

"Well...if that's what you want...go ahead then. Do your thing."

Steven closed his eyes. A few moments passed in silence. Suddenly, Steven's body began to shimmer, then turn into pure light. His form began to change...into that of a woman Nicole had seen once before, in the tape Steven had shown her. Nicole was stunned, but tried to keep her composure.

"Rose?"

Rose opened her eyes, and looked startled.

"Wha...wait, what's...oh...no! I can't be here! _Steven!"_

She spoke with her own voice.

"Steven's going to be fine, Rose."

 _"No!_ I-l have to go back where I was! It's his gem now. I have to stay hidden!"

"Rose, it's okay for us to talk. You're still in the same place, you're just going to be able to talk to me for a few minutes. Steven's gem half is...I think he's channeling you somehow...I must admit I wasn't expecting you to shapeshift, but I guess it makes sense..."

"But where did Steven go?"

"I believe his consciousness is submerged. He's just taking a little nap while you and I talk."

"Is he going to remember this?"

"I'm...not really sure. That _might_ be up to you, but my guess would be no. You and Steven are not the same person. That’s why Steven knows what his gem half says when he speaks to me, because they’re the same person.” 

"I...I just...can't believe this is happening...I never imagined...I'd get to be out here again."

"Do you understand what's going on? Do you...know who I am?"

"Oh, of course! You're Nicole! Steven's therapist. You've done so much to help my son. I can’t thank you enough for that."

"You're very welcome, Rose."

Rose looked surprised, and touched.

"It means so much to me, that you still call me that...even though you know who I really am..."

"Rose Quartz _is_ who you really are. That's the name you chose for yourself...for your new life. I know that story well. I chose my name, too."

"It's a beautiful name! 'Nicole'. I _love_ human names! I love that everyone gets to have their own!"

"It seems you have quite a fascination with humanity."

"Oh, I think humans are so incredible! That's why I wanted to make one...why I wanted to _become_ one."

"But you're still here, as yourself."

"Yes, but...I think I'm...just a remnant. A living memory that can think and feel, to some degree. But I'm not as... _three-dimensional_ as I once was."

"Where do you live, inside Steven's gem? What's it like for you?"

"When it was time for Steven to be born I...I went inside my gem...I made myself small...to make room for Steven. I made a little dark hole in the very center, and I curled up to fit inside...I’m aware of his thoughts and feelings, but I recognize them as being separate from my own. It was very strange, at first, when Steven was a baby. I had no idea babies think and feel the way they do!” 

"And you can see what happens on the outside?"

"That's what I do, I watch. I see everything. I get to live his life with him. I feel what he feels...I hear what he thinks...but I don’t feel like I _am_ him. It’s like watching a movie, but with a bit more...depth.”

"But Steven's gem self, I’m correct in assuming he _isn't_ you, right?"

"Stars, no! Human Steven _made_ him! Out of what I left!"

"What you...left?"

"Bits of me! I had to leave bits of myself, so he could build a new mind inside my gem!"

"Parts of your personality?"

"Most of it, really. I didn't realize how much like me it would make him! He has many of my best traits. If I'm honest, I like that. It makes me feel like I got to help raise him after all. But...he got some of my _worst_ traits, too..." 

Out of nowhere she began to cry.

"Rose, what's wrong?"

"I never meant for him to suffer so much because of me! He's had to pay for my mistakes his whole life! It's _my_ fault he has to come here! It’s my fault he was in so much pain that he wanted to _die._ I tried to reach out to him, help him, but I couldn't."

She closed her eyes and buried her face in her hands, the same way Steven sometimes did. Her voice became soft, and it was filled with remorse.

“Steven was never supposed to find out...who I used to be..."

"You mean, Pink Diamond?"

Rose looked up at Nicole, wrapping her arms around herself. Her expression was sad, and vulnerable.

"I...I thought she was finally behind me for good. But she _always_ catches up with me...and she caught up with Steven, too. No wonder he hates me..."

"Rose, if you feel everything Steven does, then you know he _loves_ you too."

"Yes...and that feels wonderful, but...I know that loving me only hurts him more! I've caused him so much suffering. I'd do _anything_ to take it back."

"Well, you can't take it back, but I think there is a way you _can_ help Steven, moving forward."

"Really? How? I'll do anything I can to help Steven!"

"You know that Steven has many questions he wishes he could ask you. I want you to...to tell your story, and let me record it for Steven to listen to, later. Would you be willing to do that?"

“Of course.”

“I’m going to bring Steven back for a while. Tell him about you. Ask him what he wants to know.”

“Alright.”

***

“Steven...I have to tell you som-”

“I know. I already know.”

Steven seemed a bit agitated. His voice carried an edge, and he was speaking a little faster than usual.

“You do?”

“About my mom still being alive in there? Yeah.”

“So you remember our conversation?”

“No. It’s not like with my gem half. I don’t remember anything...I just know what happened. I think my gem sort of told me. Gave me the information.”

“You seem to be a little distressed.”

Steven grimaced, but said nothing.

“It must be...quite a shock, finding out about this.”

“I-I don’t even _know._ I don’t know how I should feel, or what I should do, or-”

His breathing seemed to become labored.

“I just don’t know how to deal with this...I don’t _wanna_ deal with this.”

Nicole saw his eyes begin to well with tears, which he quickly wiped away with the sleeve of his jacket. 

“I’m sorry Steven. I know this is...pretty life-altering information...”

“You think?”

“I know you’re overwhelmed right now, but...there is an opportunity here.”

“What?”

“It’s an opportunity for you to...ask her everything you always wanted to know.”

Steven was shaking a bit. His anxiety was palpable.

“I...I don’t know...I just...I thought I finally knew who I was, you know? But now...”

“She’s not you, Steven.”

“But...she’s in my gem! She’s just...in there, all the time...does she...does she watch me?”

Nicole pursed her lips, nervously.

“Well...”

“Oh my gosh, she _does!_ She...she...”

“I got the impression she never meant for you to know she was there. At least not in that way.”

“Well I wish I didn’t know! I wish you never talked to her.”

“Your gem half wanted me to.”

“He _did?_ So...that means... _I_ wanted you to?”

“I suppose. Part of you.”

“I guess he knew...that I wanted answers. Maybe he does, too.”

“I’m sure he does. His feelings about her may not be that different from yours.”

“So...what should I do?”

“That’s up to you, but, I do think getting those answers...could be a healing thing for you.”

“I guess I wanna know...why’d she want a colony so bad? And...about...her pearl? Her first pearl. Volleyball. What happened with that? How’d she get hurt? And...Spinel...and Bismuth. And...and I want to know...why did she want to have me, really? What is this to her, watching my life? What’s she getting out of it?”

“Anything else?”

“Uh, probably but...that’s all I can think of right now.”

“That’s alright. You’re overwhelmed. This will be plenty for now.”

"Okay."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Surprise, bitches, I bet you thought you'd seen the last of her.
> 
> Rose is my problematic fave so I'm honest about her mistakes, and how Steven feels about her, but I'm ultimately Rose-positive.


	10. Rose

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steven listens to his mother tell her side of the story.

"Back then...I didn't understand. I didn't realize that building a colony meant destroying life. Maybe I was a fool for not seeing it but...there was so much I didn't understand. I only knew what the other diamonds told me. And I thought I was supposed to run a colony because that's what diamonds do. I thought maybe if I had one, then Yellow, Blue, and White might finally treat me like a real diamond...like I was really one of them. I wanted their respect...and I wanted to spend more time with them. I was terribly lonely..." 

Steven sat in silence, watching the video playing on Nicole’s cell phone. He tried to focus, occasionally became distracted, thinking about the things she was saying. His focus drifted in and out.

“...that was...a defining moment in my life. It was the moment I realized...that I needed to change. I would never have hurt her on purpose. But I wasn’t trying _not_ to hurt her either. I had no self-control, I let myself be ruled by my emotions. The other diamonds, they were always shattering gems...sometimes over little things. I had promised myself I was never going to do that. But then when I hurt my pearl...the one Steven calls...Volleyball? I realized that...if she had been shattered, it wouldn’t have mattered if it was an accident or or on purpose. She would be just as shattered. And then I realized, even if she wasn’t shattered, she was still hurt because of me. So...I tried to change. It wasn’t easy. I was even more emotional after White took Pearl away and...did what she did to her. It was awful, I was so lonely, and I missed her so much...and I knew it was all my fault. But every time I lost my temper, I would think of her. I would try to stay in control, not break anything. And it got easier. By the time my new pearl-Steven’s Pearl-was finished being made, I had begun keeping everything to myself. I was so ashamed of myself. I resolved that my new pearl would never even find out I ever had destructive powers...”

"...I never meant to abandon her. I've gone over it so many times...what was I thinking? I just didn't want her to follow me! I never even _thought_ of what would happen to her after I left. I was just so self-absorbed back then...nobody ever told me that was wrong! When you’re a diamond, you believe other gems only exist to serve you. I tried to treat my gems...I mean, the gems that served in my court...better than the other diamonds did theirs. But I _did_ believe they were mine. I won’t deny that. I thought they _liked_ being mine. If any of them did, it was only because they didn’t know there was something better, like I didn’t. I thought...I suppose I thought Spinel would be content to do whatever I told her....that, if I told her we were playing a game, she would be happy. Because that’s what spinels love to do, they play games. I never thought about her standing there for thousands of years, alone. Just waiting for me to come back. I hurt her...and she hurt Steven because of it...”

"...she attacked me. I didn't mean to hurt her. It all happened so fast. I bubbled her and hid her gem away. I was so afraid of what she might do if I didn't. I couldn't tell the others. I just didn't know how. After the war was over, I thought about letting her go. But I was...so afraid of facing her, trying to justify my actions, after everything that had happened...I was afraid Pearl and Garnet would hate me, and I couldn’t bear that idea. I know it was selfish. I know I was a coward. I know it wasn’t right, she didn’t deserve that. I left her inside my lion because I hoped Steven might find her and let her go, like he did. I never _dreamed_ she'd think he was me! I didn’t think she’d try to hurt him...”

"...I always loved the human concept of an afterlife...that's what Steven is to me. Getting to experience his existence, that's _my_ afterlife. It's wonderful, most of the time. It's just the other times...there were so many times he was suffering, or in danger, and there wasn't anything I could do to help him. I always thought of myself as...like a kind of guardian angel, watching over him. That was when he was young, before anything bad had happened. But then, things changed. Steven would be in danger, and all I could do was _watch_ him be in danger! I couldn’t protect him. All I could do was feel his fear with him...I didn't think of that before I had him, how hard that would be. That's my problem. I don't think ahead like I should. There's always something important I miss...I never knew anything about the cluster, I certainly didn't think Homeworld was _ever_ coming back! Steven's life was supposed to be normal...it was supposed to be _human_. He wasn't supposed to face any of these things! I wish I could have _been_ there for him. I wish I could really get a chance to...be his mom..."

She started tearing up

"Pearl, Garnet, Amethyst, and Greg all love him so much. I knew they would. And I know they made mistakes, but...I know I would have made _so_ many mistakes too, if I had been there....I'm just glad Steven got to have a loving family. The kind me and Greg never got to have. His parents were _just_ like the other diamonds! They never let him do _anything_ he wanted, they didn't care about his feelings! I wanted Steven to be free to choose anything he wanted! I didn't mean to make him so confused, like he is now..."

By the time the video was over, Steven knew he had missed a lot of it.

“I’m...going to need to watch that again, maybe a couple times.”

“I can send it to you, so you can watch it anytime you like.”

“It’s just so overwhelming. I don’t think I really absorbed it all.”

“That makes sense. Give yourself some time to process what you did absorb, and then watch it again, if you want.”

“I will.”

“So...what did you think of what you did get?”

“Well...I guess she answered everything I asked. Some of it...the bad stuff she did, it sounded a little like making excuses...”

“I don’t _think_ she was trying to justify her behavior. Just explain it.” 

“Yeah, I guess I get it. She wants me to know she didn’t mean to hurt anybody. I mean...after Jasper, I know how she must have felt, after she broke Volleyball. I know what it’s like now, when you accidentally hurt someone because you weren’t being careful. And now that I’ve experienced her destructive powers...well, I know how hard it is to control them. I guess the fact that she managed to stop using them entirely is kind of...impressive.”

“And what about the rest of it?”

“Well, with Spinel...I mean, I _get_ it. She didn’t have anyone to teach her better. And she did treat her gems better than the other diamonds, but...it’s still not okay, what she did to her...”

“No, it’s not. And she knows that.”

“And with Bismuth...she _was_ selfish and a coward. But...she did _admit_ that. I don’t know. It’s just...what do I do with that? How should I think about her, as a good person or a bad person?”

“I know this is going to sound hard, but...I think what you have to do is try to see her as just...a _person._ She’s your mom. She loves you, and I know you love her. That doesn’t change, if you decide she’s good or bad. And...it _is_ possible to be both.”

“Should I...do you think I should forgive her?”

“That’s really up to you, Steven. I think it’s worth pointing out, though, she never asked you to.”

“Yeah. I know.”

“Your feelings about her will probably always be complicated. But that doesn’t have to be as much of a burden as it has been. You need to give yourself permission to just feel whatever you feel. Confusion, anger, sadness, happiness? They’re all valid. It’s okay to love her. It doesn’t make you a bad person to love someone who’s done bad things. It’s okay to hate her, too. I don’t think she’ll hold it against you, whatever you feel.”

“Hmmm...I guess that’s something I’ll have to think about...”

  
  
  
  
  
  



	11. Bits

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Concerned about Steven's well-being, Rose makes an unexpected decision. 

At the next appointment, Nicole asked Steven’s gem half to let her Speak with Rose again.

“Rose, it’s good to see you again. I-”

Rose cut her off.

“Nicole, I have something important to say.”

She was noticeably distressed, and agitated.

“Oh, um...okay. Shoot.”

“Something is wrong. I think I’m hurting Steven.”

“Hurting Steven? What makes you think that?”

“I...I can just feel it. I don’t know how it’s possible, I always thought our connection was only one-way. But I’ve been paying closer attention lately, and I can tell. Something is off, and it’s because of me. Maybe it’s my own negative feelings getting to him, or maybe I didn’t leave enough room for him, or maybe it’s just that he can feel me there, on some level. That would be hard enough, knowing how he feels about me. I don’t think I can explain how I know this, but I do. I can sense it. Maybe it’s just...a mother’s intuition.”

“I suppose it’s possible...that your own mental health issues could be impacting Steven...”

“What do you mean?”

“Steven’s two sides are impacted by each other’s trauma. You went through everything they did, plus a whole lifetime before it. You have plenty of trauma of your own, based on my knowledge of your life. If you have a trauma disorder as well, your symptoms could be affecting Steven. Both Stevens, all of him. And if that’s the case, I need to treat you as well.”

“Oh...no. You don’t have to do that. I already decided...I’m going to sever my connection with Steven.”

“Sever your connection...what does that mean?”

“I’m cutting the mental bond that allows me to live his life with him. So he won’t be affected by me anymore.”

“Oh, Rose...I don’t think-”

“I’ve already made up my mind, Nicole.”

“What...would that be like for you?”

“I don’t know. I think there’s a good chance that some of Steven’s experiences will still bleed through to me, but I can’t be sure. I might experience nothing at all. Or my consciousness may even fade away entirely.”

“And you can really live with that?”

“If I can still see him, or feel him, even just a little bit, that will be enough for me. If I can’t...it doesn’t matter. I’ll still do it anyway. I have to at least _try_ to clean up my own mess this time. I have to try and be a good mother, for once! I have to put his needs first. I learned that from _him.”_

“Rose, don’t you think we should ask Steven how he feels about this, first?”

“No...he will feel obligated to put me first. That's what he does. I can't... _won't_ let him make a choice that isn't what's best for _him._ I’m his mother, and I’m making this decision for him. I’m...I’m being the adult in his life. It’s about time _somebody_ did.”

“I understand what you’re trying to do. But...you _matter_ , Rose. You deserve to be happy, too. You have suffered trauma, and you deserve to get better just as much as Steven does.”

“Please, Nicole...I appreciate your concern. But...I’m thousands of years old. I already had my turn. My life is over now, and I’m at peace with that. But Steven still has time. I don’t know how long his life will be, but I want every minute of it to be truly _his._ I won’t take another moment of it away from him, just for my own benefit. I want him to have the best life he can possibly have. I can’t change his past...all the pain I caused him. But I don’t have to cause him any more. Please, Nicole. Just let me do this for him. Just...let me go to sleep.”

Nicole sighed.

“It’s...your decision, Rose. But...I just want you to be _really_ sure this is what you want.”

  
“What I want doesn’t matter anymore! I’m _dead,_ Nicole. The person you’re talking to, she’s an afterimage. I'm an _echo_ of a person that once was...a ghost. Just a partial consciousness, made out of all the little bits of me I put away when Steven was born. That's all I really am, just _bits._ The real me, the whole me, is gone...I had my time. Now it’s Steven’s time, and I refuse to make him suffer any longer. I’m going to fix this, no matter what it takes.”

“It’s an incredible sacrifice you’re making, Rose.”

“There’s nothing I wouldn’t sacrifice for Steven. And thanks to him, I finally know what sacrifice really means.”

“When are you going to do it?”

“Today. As soon as we’re done. But there’s something I have to do first.”


	12. Goodbye

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rose tells Steven of her decision, and bids him a final farewell. 

“Hi, Steven...it’s..it’s me...Mom. I know you’re going to feel conflicted about the decision I’m making. I want you to understand...that I’m doing it for you. Because I love you, more than anything in the universe. I know you don’t really know me, but...I know you. I’ve been there every step of the way, cheering you on, laughing with you, crying with you...and I’ve learned from you, Steven. I’ve learned more in the short time I’ve known you than I did in all the millennia before. I’d be a very different person if I was alive now, after what you’ve taught me. I’ve been inspired by your courage, your wisdom, your compassion, and your selflessness. Your capacity for love, it's...it’s deeper than even _you_ know. You get that from your dad.

I have to apologize to you, Steven. I didn’t prepare for you nearly as much as I should have. I let you come into a world of people that would treat you harshly because of my own actions. I didn’t make sure your dad and the gems were really ready to be your parents. I didn’t realize that your association with me would cause you such an immense crisis of identity. And...I'm sorry I lied. I thought it was best if you never knew about who I used to be. But I was wrong. Not knowing only hurt you. Pink Diamond was never who I wanted to be. I know I have no right to ask you for favors, but...if you could, can you please try to remember me as Rose Quartz?

Steven, I’d do anything to take back all the misery I’ve caused you. I know I’ve made so many mistakes. I know I hurt people...and I regret that, every moment of every day. I know I made a mistake, bringing you into this world that I had broken, and you had to fix. But I can’t...I just can’t bring myself to _regret_ that mistake. I’m so glad I had you, Steven. I hope you are, too. 

Steven, I always wanted to change. I envied humans so much, how easy it seemed to come to them. I know now, after my time with you, that changing isn’t easy at all, even for humans. But I think now, I’ve finally learned how to do it...how to change. I learned it from watching you. I...I don’t know if you’re going to miss me. I understand, if you don’t. But if you do, well...try to remember...I’m not gone. I’ve only changed. There have been so many times in your life I wanted to reach out to you, to show you how much I love you. I know you feel it, from your gem half. He’s made out of bits of me. His love is my love. My love is a part of you, and in that way, I will always be with you.

And I wish I...I wish _this_ part of me could be there for you, too. But...I can’t. I have to say goodbye, Steven, even if it breaks my heart.

Steven, I think my presence is...is harming you somehow. This was never my intention. I think I may somehow be impeding your recovery. I’ve been paying very close attention, and I’m realizing that I...I pull you down. My leftover self, it’s poisoning you somehow. I can’t allow that to continue. That’s why...I have to go now, Steven. I’m going to sleep. I’m putting myself away where I can’t hurt you anymore. I hope it brings you the peace I know you long for. I’m sorry I won’t be able to give you the rest of the answers you want. But I really think this is better for you. After I do this, I don’t know if I’ll still be able to see you. If I can, it won’t be the same as it was before. I think it might be like dreaming. But it will be a _beautiful_ dream, Steven. 

I’m...not going to give you any messages for the others. I know that’s something you’ve been thinking about. I did consider it, but I don’t think it’s fair, burdening you with that. It’s your decision if you even want to tell them about me being here at all. I wouldn’t blame you, if you didn’t. But if you do, and they ask, tell them...tell them that _you’re_ my message, Steven. I think they’ll understand what I mean.

I can’t tell you how much I’ve loved experiencing your life, Steven. I loved the cookie cats, and when we hung out at the Big Donut, and when you played your ukulele, and Crying Breakfast Friends...and just... _everything._ Every moment. Even in the hardest moments, I was still so happy just to be there with you. I love Connie, and I can’t wait for you to marry her someday. Because I know you’re going to, Steven. It’s written in the stars. I don’t know if I’ll be there to see it, but I hope I will. 

I need you to know, Steven...that you’re _you._ You are truly, completely yourself. You’re not me, and you never have been. You’re made out of bits of me, Steven, but that doesn’t mean you _are_ me. But after all, you and I both know...the bits are the best part, right?"

She smiled, and winked.

"You’ve always been Steven. And you always will be. You haven’t lost yourself, no matter how much you feel like you have. No matter what you do next, who you become...you will always be my son, and I will always love you. You’re going to figure this out, Steven. You’re going to find yourself, find happiness. I believe in you. Believe in yourself, like I do. Believe...in _Steven_.

Promise me, Steven. Promise me you’ll keep loving being you. Love experiencing yourself as much as I have. Keep moving forward. Make new friends, and visit old ones. Try new things, but don’t forget where you come from. Don’t be afraid to make mistakes. I know you’re wise enough to handle whatever comes your way. I’m so incredibly proud of you. Being your mother, sharing your experiences...It’s been the best time in my entire existence. I’m sorry it’s taken me so long to learn to be the kind of mother you deserve. I’m so amazed, how much I’ve come to understand things I never could before. Thank you, Steven. Thank you for teaching me...I think I’ve finally figured myself out...I’ve finally learned how to be like you...I’ve learned...how to _love_ like you...”

Rose smiled, looking directly into the camera. Like she was looking right into his soul.

“Take care of yourself, Steven.”

The recording ended. Steven had buried his face in his hands, and was crying softly. 

“Steven, are you okay?”

It was a few moments before Steven looked up and wiped the tears from his face.

“I...I don’t know.”

He could barely choke out the words through his strained whimpering. 

“I’ll give you a minute.”

They sat in silence for about five minutes. Steven finally spoke.

“D-Do you think...she can still see me?”

“I don’t know. Do you want her to?”

“I...I think I _do._ I wouldn’t have thought I would, but...”

His voice trailed off.

“Do you feel differently about her than you did before?”

“I’m not sure...maybe. She...she really has changed, hasn’t she?”

“I think she has. Because of you.”

“It really freaked me out at first, knowing she saw everything. That she could...could hear my thoughts and stuff.”

“You felt...exposed?”

“Yeah. I guess I felt like a stranger was spying on my life. But the truth is, she’s _not_ a stranger. If she really has seen and heard... _everything..._ then she...she knows me better than _anyone._ ”

“That’s certainly one way of looking at it.”

“She...she really loves me...a lot.”

“Yes she does. How do you feel about that?”

“It’s...nice.”

Nicole smiled.

“Are you disappointed by her decision?”

“No...I’m sad I guess, but...it’s just...knowing she’s doing it for me...”

“It makes you feel...special?”

Steven smiled, as more tears formed in his eyes.

“Yeah, it does. She did a lot of bad stuff in her life that I ended up suffering for. I think I’ll probably always be mad at her for that. But...she’s trying to make up for it, now. She’s...putting me first. It feels nice.”

“It’s always nice to feel loved.”

“Haha, yeah.”

“Steven, it’s okay to feel conflicted. You never have to stop being mad at her. And it’s not wrong to be mad _and_ still love her.”

“I _do_ love her. I guess I always have, no matter how much I also hated her. She’s...she’s my _mom._ And I guess in some way...she’ll always be part of me."

“How do you feel about that?”

“I don’t know. Kinda good, kinda bad?”

“It’s okay if you don’t know right now.”

“Thanks. I think it’s gonna take awhile to figure it out, but...I’ll get there, eventually.”


	13. Peace

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steven reflects on his experiences, and contemplates his future. 

“So, how have you been feeling since your mother’s...departure?”

“Honestly? Really good. I think she was right. Her being there, it was doing something to me.”

“Like what?”

“I don’t know. It’s like there’s this feeling I used to have that was there all the time, but I never realized it, until it was gone.”

“Was it a good or a bad feeling?”

“Um....I think, both? It was good _and_ bad...just like her. I guess that’s probably what I was feeling...it was her.”

“Do you...miss that feeling?”

“I think it might take awhile to get used to it, but...no. I don’t miss it. I feel...freer, lighter.”

“I’m glad you feel so much better.”

“Me too. She said in her video she hoped I would find peace. I think I’m starting to."

“That’s fantastic.”

Steven was silent for a moment, looking contemplative. Finally he took a deep breath and spoke.

“I don’t think she’s gone.”

“Oh?”

“I can’t really explain it. I can’t feel her there anymore, but it’s like...I just _know_ she’s still with me, somehow.”

“Are you glad?”

“I think I am.”

“That’s good.”

"Yeah. But I wanna know how _he_ feels, too."

"Your gem?"

"Yeah. I dunno, he might feel different than me."

"He might. Would you like me to ask him now?"

"Uh, yeah."

***

"Steven?"

"Nicole."

"How are you doing today Steven?"

"Not...not sure."

"Is that because of your mother's decision?"

"Yes...I feel...many things. But it's okay...to feel."

"That's right. I'm glad you're starting to understand that."

"I understand. I feel."

"Are you...relieved? Sad?"

"Human Steven is relieved. I am glad."

"Yes, I suppose what's good for one of you is good for both of you."

"Yes. Good for both. But..."

"What is it Seven?"

"She was...she was like me."

"In what way do you mean?"

"Same gem...diamond...same powers...all the same."

"You felt she...could understand you, in a way no one else can. Not even your human side..."

"Yes."

"I understand. But don't forget, your human side understands you better than you might think. You're both part of a single being."

Steven seemed to ponder this for a moment.

"I suppose."

“You never have to feel alone, Steven. Because you never are.”

Nicole was surprised to see Gem Steven smile.

“I know.”


	14. Proud

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steven has big news for Nicole.

A few weeks later, Nicole received a surprising response when she asked Steven if he wanted to do another session of hypnosis. 

“We don’t have to.”

Steven smiled, looking strangely excited.

“We don’t?”

“Nope.”

“Steven...what’s going on?”

“We’re...I’m just me now.”

“What?”

“I’m just myself now! My human and gem minds, they were getting _really_ good at communicating. We could hear each other’s thoughts, and feel each other's feelings, and see each other’s memories all the time. It got easier and easier every day. Then a few days ago...I woke up, and I was just...me. Steven. Not Human Steven and Gem Steven. I just have one mind now, like most fusions. It’s not like we’ve ceased to exist, but...there’s no walls between us anymore.”

Nicole was stunned.

“Steven, that’s...that’s _incredible._ I must admit, I didn’t see this coming. I suspected your connection had untapped potential, but this...are you...happy about it?”

“Yeah! It...it feels really good...really _right._ Like it’s supposed to be this way. Both sides of me are happy. I feel...more balanced, stable. I know you said my healing powers couldn’t fix my mind, but I do feel like connecting with my gem has been really...healing.”

“I’m blown away. I’m so incredibly happy for you.”

“I mean, I _do_ still need to keep coming here, and taking my meds...”

“That’s right. I’m glad you understand that.”

“Yeah, I...I know my trauma isn’t ever gonna go away. And I have anxiety and depression and stuff. Something about neurotransmitters...”

“That’s true. But I suspect your recovery is going to improve by leaps and bounds now that you feel so much more stable.”

“I hope you’re right. Occasionally when I feel upset we split up a little, and it feels weird. But we always come back together.”

“Have you had anymore....pink episodes since this happened?”

“No, but...I think I still might, sometimes.”

“That’s alright. We’ll keep working on it.”

“Do you...think it’ll ever go away completely?”

“I really don’t know, Steven. I think it will keep getting better, but it may never stop entirely.”

“I guess I’ll just have to get used to that. I just don’t want to hurt anybody or break things anymore.”

“If we keep working on it, that may become less of an issue.”

“I hope so.”

“You’ve made so much progress, Steven. I hope you’re proud of yourself.”

“I...I am.”

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!

**Author's Note:**

> I'm noticing that my depiction of Pink Steven seems to have unintentionally come off as being a lot like Eleven from Stranger Things...


End file.
